30 Sep 2008 (Tuesday) 

I've spent the day feeling pretty icky - I was fine when I got up but on the way to work I felt pretty bad. Don't really feel much better tonight. One of these nights I'd like to sleep a little better. I really think I'd do well to take a break but I don't like doing that on my own. I keep forgetting things.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

29 Sep 2008 (Monday) 

Well, first day in my new team and I've survived and think it'll be ok. But it's different. XKCD has another cool poster thing today. Another one for my wall .

Very tired again today; long day and I've not managed to stay the same temperature all day. The office varied between being really hot and freezing cold, and that's not been helped by the fact that it was very cold outside as well.

I really wish it were the weekend, and it's only Monday .

Going to try to sleep - I couldn't sleep for ages last night.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

28 Sep 2008 (Sunday) 

I'm bored and tired tonight. And sore. My tummy hurts, and has been all day. And my elbow, which itches occassionally, has been very annoying all week. I think my tummy's partly due to being nervous about tomorrow. It's nothing actually that important - really it's not! - but I think it's made me more nervous than I normally am. I've got to be in relatively early (for me!) for a video conference first thing in the morning - I'm moving teams and it'll be the first day I'll be working with them. It's exciting, but... I dunno...

Otherwise it's been a pretty dull day; I've spent most of it trying to get all the stuff that I'd left behind in local working directories finished off so that I've got a clean slate for moving teams. It's not been entirely successful as there's still one large block of changes left lying around.

Still not able to sleep, and it's after 1am now.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

27 Sep 2008 (Saturday) 

Gerph: What happened ? Officer: They wiped us out. Hundreds dead-maybe thousands. Gerph: The virus ? Officer: The Futurewinians! They were inside the floating body of a machine they'd made - massive metal saucer with beams. Gerph: Beams ? Officer: Sucking beams. Picking up men and sucking them into their machine - then replacing them with their own men. They wiped us out. Gerph: Mmm. I saw some land earlier. Officer: Yes, they looked bound for our eastern base. Gerph: The eastern base! I never dreamed there could be danger to it, so far inside my ground. [ Futurewinians; Justin ]

I popped to Oxford today; just to try to stop being insane and have a little break from hanging around here - something I've been trying to do for ages but have had plans cancelled or just haven't bothered. I dropped Helen a quick message and we met up for lunch. We ended up sitting in the middle of town eating Burritos and listening to a pair of violinists busking - and there was a graduation going on nearby, too. It was all a little strange. Kinda a different world. She gave me a quick tour of some of the buildings which was really fun, and then I headed back on the train.

As I was walking back home, there was a strange guy walking on the other side of the road looking very disoriented. Maybe it was the stuttering walk and odd look in his eyes. Or maybe it was the hospital robe, boxers, lack of shoes and plastic tag on his wrist that made me think that something was up. I rang the hospital and explained that he was walking on the other side of the road to me - I was just following but wasn't going to approach him, because I don't know why he's not at the hospital - he could have been a mental patient or have had medication that might make him irrational. The switchboard put me through to security and I explained the situation - they described him and I confirmed that it was the same guy. At this point he'd got to the Arts centre and a woman had come over to speak to him. There being two of us, I felt a little more confident. He seemed a little dazed as we spoke to him but able to speak. He spoke briefly to the security guy, and we agreed he'd wait at the arts centre and we took him in.

It was all quite an exciting afternoon really, and I feel quite good because I did the right thing for a change. I hope he's able to settle at the hospital though - walking through Reading like that probably isn't a good thing .

I was thinking today, about how some memories stick in your mind. I can remember the first time I saw Caroline so very clearly, and the first time I saw her after a few years. Other things are less clear, and sort of blurred into one another.

I think the BBC have made a mistake on their showings of The Avengers on BBC 4. They were showing episodes from season 4, and had got as far as episode 12. Then they showed episode 13 from season 5. Tomorrow, I think, they're showing episode 14 from season 4. I get the feeling that someone pressed the worng button. Dunno though.

I'm cold tonight. I was cold last night as well. Although I didn't sleep well it was a little better than usual because I had got so tired from the previous night.

On the way to the station today, Caroline rang me and I called her back - I'd missed the call as I was listening to music. I'd woken her up with a delivery in the morning . I guess I just wasn't thinking .

I'm going to try to sleep early tonight. It's just after 1am and I'm still feeling pretty bad. Having got out of the house and feeling like I've done the right thing for someone makes me feel a bit better though.

The server crashed again this morning with a page fault whilst mencoder-ing. I'm probably going to try a later kernel and see if there's anything any better - the changelogs are getting scary though.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

26 Sep 2008 (Friday) 

I managed to get to sleep around 5am last night, and was awakened at 7:30 when my alarm went off. It does mean, though, that today I've been very very tired and just trying to hold on to simple things. Even still the day seems to have been very hard. I also discovered that according to the OED, words ending in -ize are preferred over those ending in -ise. Which seems ugly to me. I like the -ise ending. It's soft and fluffy, whilst -ize is harsh and ugly. I realise that puts me against the OED, but tough.

I went to bed at 8 and I still can't sleep; it's after 11 now. I'm so tired, but I just can't seem to sleep. I'm cold and then I'm hot, and I ache and I'm upset, and I just can't seem to focus on anything.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

25 Sep 2008 (Thursday) 

I've been pretty fed up for the past few months. My sleeplessness has returned, and when I'm able to sleep, my dreams are no better. I'm always leaving something. I don't want to, but I'm not wanted, or not able to stay. It's been a recurrent theme in the last few dreams.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

22 Sep 2008 (Monday) 

Ah, XKCD fits me so well!

Return to top | Comment on the diary

20 Sep 2008 (Saturday) 

Always believe in your soul You've got the power to know You're indestructable Always believe in 'Cause you are gold [ Gold, by Spandau Ballet ]

I'm sure I heard The Horror, by RJD2 as background music on 'The Wrong Door' today. I'm still not sure if 'The Wrong Door' is funny. It has moments, but it's not really laugh out loud funny except once in a while.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

18 Sep 2008 (Thursday) 

Caroline got me a birthday present - a bow-wrapped box with a helium balloon, some party poppers, a 'happy birthday' banner, a big badge and a teddy bear in. It was really lovely! I wore my badge all day at work - and it got some funny looks (and a couple of 'Happy Birthday's) from people on the street when I went for lunch. I got myself a milkshake and they drew pretty balloons and streamers and 'Happy Birthday' on the side of it. Shakeaway is nice (yeah, gratuitous plug because they're always so nice and fun).

Return to top | Comment on the diary

17 Sep 2008 (Wednesday) 

My birthday today. I'm 20. That's hex, but we'll not dwell on that. I was woken up this morning by Caroline and Jessica singing happy birthday to me. Best birthday that I can remember .

Return to top | Comment on the diary

16 Sep 2008 (Tuesday) 

If you're looking for signs you'll see them. They're all around. But they're not necessarily signs for you.

I was at a get-together, in a garden somewhere and there were a few friends there - Caroline was there and a Caroline from long ago as well. The younger Caroline had to leave with someone and I was happy to stay with the older Caroline, but I had to do some things first. There were 10 packages left by Caroline in a tunnel somewhere, hidden underground and being patrolled by some very large, red, worms. I had to get the packages and take them to a certain place to get rid of them. Which I did, with a bit of hiding from the red worms and then I had to come to work and there wasn't time so I got a taxi instead of walking for an hour.

Strange dream.

Tired tonight.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

15 Sep 2008 (Monday) 

I saw an advert somewhere recently saying "You want a laptop that works as hard as you do". No. I want a laptop that doesn't work hard at all. I want it to easily do everything I tell it to. I don't want it to struggle to do the things that I need of it. Ideally my laptop should be just coasting through life taking everything I throw at it in its stride, and still has time to do more things than I can want of it.

Whilst I remember, because I've been trying to hold on to this for about 3 days and it's never there when I come to try to write stuff. There's never a clear cut answer to things. That's not true. There's a clear cut answer to some things, like computer stuff. Maths. Stuff like that. But otherwise there's just shades of grey. Some are closer to one side than others, but some things you just can't even tell which side they are on.

How can you tell when something is really wrong if you're paranoid about things ?

Holding on to things seems a whole lot more tricky than it used to be. I guess I'm just not concentrating enough.

Oh. I remember things I was going to say. A couple just came back to me. The girls in the office had been wondering where I'd gone when I wasn't around a week or so back. Marianne said that they'd been wondering where I'd got to. Did I already say that ? I don't remember.

And I broke the kettle on Friday. Well. Not quite, but... you see you have to hold the kettle by the edges of the handle when you're filling it with water. Unless your hands and wrists can take the steam that comes off it. And... the handle fell off in my hands. Kettle dropped into the sink, I yelled and jumped backward and Marianne raced from the office next door to see what'd happened. Nothing broken, no scolding, but it scared me a tad.

I was dreaming last night about starting my new job in Cambridge. I don't remember much of it - actually it's only whilst chatting this evening that I remember anything of it at all - but I remember that it was interesting and fun but that there was something missing from it.

I think my mind's just trying to find something to hold on to this evening; I can't seem to focus on much. I did watch some telly earlier, which made things a lot easier as it's easier to focus on when you've something solid to... um... focus on.

I still think that one day people'll find out how crap I am and I'll be sent out of the door. Not just at work but in general. I guess that's not going away either.

Every monday I get an email telling me that the StrongHelp internet manuals have been regenerated and uploaded. I don't really know if they work or are useful any more.

Saving up for some day, but what does some day mean ? [ Avalanche, from Siren, by Heather Nova ]

Return to top | Comment on the diary

14 Sep 2008 (Sunday) 

Which is it today ? Banana or Strawberry ? [ Which is it today?; Shakeaway ]

I clearly have milkshake far too often if I'm known by the people there .

Return to top | Comment on the diary

13 Sep 2008 (Saturday) 

Feels like a very long day today. I woke up to my alarm this morning (which usually sends me back to sleep!) and decided to do some work and then I've just been doing little things all day. It seems far busier than I think it has been.

My leg's aching, too. I think I was sleeping oddly on it. That's always fun! Otherwise, it's just your average Saturday. I keep having to remind myself that it's Saturday and I'm not at work tomorrow, for some reason. I seem to have got very confused recently. Also my memory of what I'm doing from one minute to the next is worse than normal. I'm not sure if that's 'cos I'm not sleeping well, or something else. Still, it hasn't been too annoying recently.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

11 Sep 2008 (Thursday) 

Yes it was nearly embarassing. It was steak night last night and we ran out of steaks. [ Steak Night; Dad ]

This cannot end well.

Ian wonders if a few hand-tightened bolts is really sufficient to hold a black hole in place. [ Holding back a black hole; Ian ]

These days I've got no idea what the future holds. It doesn't feel like it holds much, though. At this second it's not holding a lot in the way of sleep .

I still ache today and last night I still didn't get much sleep. It seems like 2am was the wake-up time last night.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

10 Sep 2008 (Wednesday) 

The Big Thingy Smasher (LHC) got turned on this morning. As it's only warming up it probably won't actually do anything useful for a bit, but it's a mildly interesting topic of the day.

I for one am all in favour of spending billions on a project with no tangible benefits whilst the rest of the world goes into an economic slump. [ Large Hadron Colider; Hedley ]

Um, yeah.

Still can't sleep properly. Seems to be around 4ish that I wake up and then every 10 minutes from there on until about 7:30 when my alarm goes off and I can then sleep for an hour without realising. There's the possibility that the sound of music that is my alarm puts me to sleep.

And today my left wrist's been really sort and my left ankle feels like I've twisted it. And my right knee is just aching. I think it's just that I'm not sleeping well so I'm aching in general from not resting. It's good fun though.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

9 Sep 2008 (Tuesday) 

Very tired tonight. I was up early because we were meant to be moving the server this morning. Turns out we didn't need to, so it wasn't so great. Anyhow, I got a reasonable amount done today and got back at about 7:30 tonight... However, I'm tired because of it - which isn't helped by the fact that I really didn't sleep last night either - same problem as previous night, only without the pain behind my ear. It's mildly worrying. But only mildly.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

8 Sep 2008 (Monday) 

I really didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up every time I managed to get to sleep, and the duvet managed to make its way to the floor, which is highly unusual even for me. I even ended up on the wrong side of the bed - I always sleep on the right, so to find myself on the left side was strange. I know that part of it was that I've had an odd throbbing pain just behind by ear. It comes momentarily and really hurts for a second or two and then it's gone. Eventually I took some paracetamol and it went away. It came back around mid-afternoon but I took a couple more and it's gone now. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't think it's too important. It's going away, so that's ok.

We went out for a project meal tonight; it's nice that we can have it for taking our project to GM. Quite nice to be out and chatting about random things with people. Almost like being sociable .

Return to top | Comment on the diary

7 Sep 2008 (Sunday) 

I've had Two Little Boys, by Rolf Harris going around my head all day. Trying to listen to it to clear it didn't help - I just ended up crying (I always do that at it - there's still a few tracks that just make me cry). And singing to myself hasn't helped either. However, it's better than hearing voices of unicorns saying 'Come on Charlie' over and over in your head, which is a little disturbing.

Very tired tonight. After not getting to sleep until really late last night, I'm now quite tired (!). Surprising, really .

Still trying to work out what exactly to get for Caroline's birthday. It's being tricky. Whilst I've got an idea, actually getting it is somewhat harder.

When I came back from holiday last week, it seems that I'm talked about. Ok, that sounds like more than it is, but Marianne in the office said that she and Karina had been wondering where I'd gone and hoped I'd not left. I'll just have to make sure I let them know when I go on holiday in the future. Joking aside, though, it's nice to think that I'm missed, even if I am just on holiday. Sad to say that things don't fall apart when I'm not there, but I guess it's kinda good that I'm not that vital to everything. Or... something.

I'm hoping to go up and see Claire and Justin again at the end of the month, or possible the start of the next one. It'd be nice to spend more time with them - I like being with Bethany and Alex. And Justin and Claire, obviously, but... it's nice to be able to spend time with them whilst they're young.

Still can't seem to sleep tonight, but that's not a huge deal. I only have to work tomorrow .

Return to top | Comment on the diary

6 Sep 2008 (Saturday) 

I've got nothing in particular to do this weekend. There's a few normal things that need doing, like shopping and washing and stuff like that, but otherwise nothing much. After spending a week being busy with Claire and Justin and family, it's a bit dull. I should organise going up there again, soon.

Don't you think sometimes that you're just doing things to waste time ? And that one day you'll find that all that time has passed and you don't know how you ended up where you are... except that you do because you did nothing in the intervening time ? All those things that you said you wanted have just been lost because you didn't do them when you had the chance.

Can't sleep now. It's about 3am and I'm just not getting anywhere. I've tried doing some random work things but that's not helped put me to sleep. Mind's still racing. I'd probably say that 'I need a holiday' except I've just had one.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

3 Sep 2008 (Wednesday) 

I'm back home again now. Sort of wishing I'd taken a longer break, really. All the random irritances can - generally - be forgotten when I'm away. The only things that can bother me is me, and whilst I'm pretty good at that, at least I know that it's only my fault.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

2 Sep 2008 (Tuesday) 

We went to Whitby today. Had chips and got a little wet in the rain. Julian dropped me an SMS to say he was in Reading if I wanted to meet up, whilst I was having my chips . A little difficult to get there to see him.

I was in the shower this morning, lamenting the fact that I don't get to do anything at all low level any more. There's no chip initialisations, no memory map organisation, no speed optimisation of critical interrupt code, no management of diagnostic interfaces... and all in all my job's pretty dull in the stuff that I've been doing in the last few months. Not that it's not all necessary and that, but it's just not all that interesting really.

My dreams have been confusing and upsetting recently but tonight's is strange. I was back at university and getting into arguments with people over trivial things. I wanted to go chat to someone and I knew Chris was coming to town for something so I invited him to go to the cinema to see a film. Unfortunately I realised that he was having to leave as it was a Tuesday and he had to get back to work on Wednesday and I never even got to see him. I went back through the Uni and there was lots of very loud music on and people dancing and I just wanted to get back to my home. As I was going back I saw Simon heading back to the house, so I called to him and he ignored me. We went back to the house and there were some of Simon's friends there and he went to talk to them and I just went and sat outside. Hannah came out a little while later and thanked me for her 'congratulations' card I'd sent here a while back and which I didn't remember in the slightest. She talked to me about some of the stuff that was worrying me. And then I woke up.

It's about 6:15 now and I'm going to try to get back to sleep.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

1 Sep 2008 (Monday) 

Claire's been singing to herself and can't get out of her head 'Tomorrow' from the musical 'Annie'. I don't actually know it, the only 'Tomorrow' I know is Tomorrow, from The Best Of, by James.

We went to the sea-side today. All five of us on the beach, and Bethany went in the sea with Justin, and Claire and I played with Alex. It was really sunny, too. It was all very nice.

Oh, and we watched Solaris this evening. Wow that was slow.

Return to top | Comment on the diary