30 Nov 2008 (Sunday) 

I've felt really quite down the last couple of days. I'm hoping that it's not going to continue. Last week, though - Monday and Tuesday - I missed my tablets 'cos I'd run out and Boots didn't have any. So I'm thinking that maybe feeling crap is a reaction to that and it just takes 3-4 days to have an effect.

Maybe that isn't the case but it's the working theory for now.

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28 Nov 2008 (Friday) 

It's been a very quiet day today.

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27 Nov 2008 (Thursday) 

I'm sleeping badly still - again I'm waking up every 2 hours or so. It's not a whole lot of fun. I'm as tired as I was yesterday, too.

I tried putting 'Friends' on last night as I was trying to sleep, in the hope that it would make things easier. It was a little easier, but I did wake up a couple of hours later with it still running - a problem if the player keeps rolling on to the next episode.

However, I did have a fun morning... I tried using the phone as a deoderant, put my underwear on inside out, put a shoe on without undoing the laces and nearly left the house without my jumper. I can see that today is just going to be a bundle of fun.

I've booked some flights to go out and see Mum and Dad again - try to use up some holiday that HR keep complaining I've not used. It seems a bit of a waste to have saved up 14 days holiday and then just use them all randomly just to get them used at the end of the year. Best laid plans of Mice and all that...

I'm not sure what I'm doing this weekend though. No real plans.

Oh, and I've just remembered what I wanted to do this evening but never got around to. Damn. Oh well.

I'm not able to sleep tonight. It's midnight now and I'm still here.

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26 Nov 2008 (Wednesday) 

Very tired today. Woke up feeling tireder than I've felt in a while. I'm not much more awake tonight. Mildly confused all day, because of that. Fortunately, I've got my tablets from the chemist today, as they'd run out yesterday when I tried to collect my prescription.

Had a very busy day at work; it seemed to feel like things were just falling apart. Got somewhere useful at least, though, and felt that I was being pretty productive.

Also played some games with Caroline during the day, too, which was pretty fun albeit a little distracting.

I've got another of those fun headaches tonight, to go with feeling very tired. I wanted to sort out some new RSS feeds for use internally on my network, but it's far too late for that tonight. I really just need some sleep.

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24 Nov 2008 (Monday) 

I had a short break, going to see Mum and Dad in Spain. So whilst it was freezing cold here and people were having snowball fights, I was sitting on the prom by the sea eating lunch and having icecreams in 25 degrees. I think I'd like to have thrown snowballs, but it was very nice to be out there.

I had a chat with mum and dad about some stuff, and how things are. They're quite right in the stuff they suggest, but I've never been good with that. They're moving in a couple of weeks, too. That'll be strange.

I got to see Greebo! That was lovely; he remembers me and snuggles up with me.

And on the way back I got to see some beautiful clouds. After saying recently to Christina that they're not like cotton wool close up... they really were... only far prettier!

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20 Nov 2008 (Thursday) 

Had a pretty down day today. Not really achieved all that much.

I would like to know what it is I'm doing really. I'm not quite sure. I'm sure there's some purpose to what I'm doing but I think I've given up on it.

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19 Nov 2008 (Wednesday) 

I gave Claire a ring on my way for lunch today and got a chance to chat to a very excited Bethany! She had drawn a picture of me. She ran off to get it so that she could show me on the phone . She showed me her new handbag as well. Really cheered me up this lunch time .

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17 Nov 2008 (Monday) 

I managed to fix a bug today which really cheered me up. Not that I don't fix things quite a bit usually, but I felt that I managed something that showed that I was actually understanding stuff in a new way. This makes a big difference to me.

And I moved my doctors appointment as well, this morning, which is another nice thing. I managed to do it without panicing too much and the like.

After not sleeping last night I decided to check my mail and found another mail from Christina . At least left me feeling a little cheered before I fell asleep. Didn't dream of anything last night at all, which is possibly a good thing. Woke up a few times but managed to sleep again - I think that's probably just 'cos I've not had enough and my body's protesting a bit. If it's sleeping I feel better.

Oh damn, I've just remembered that I haven't taken my tablet .

I'm still a bit sore today, but not as bad as I was last night, which I'm grateful for.

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16 Nov 2008 (Sunday) 

I slept only a tiny amount whilst I was visiting Caroline and Jess on Friday night and it's left me quite dazed. And I've ended up with a sore tummy, and write and ankle. Although that may have had more to do with playing in the woods with Jess than the sleep.

Coming home yesterday I was incredibly unsteady and confused. Fortunately I did make it back to the house ok .

I had another nice mail from Christina over the weekend as well, which was quite sweet. Put a smile on my face today anyhow!

I'm not sure that I'm feeling any different with these antidepressants yet. I'm not actively looking for it, but I don't think it was helping this weekend. Or maybe it was and I'd have been a whole lot worse.

Anyhow, it's after 8 now and I have to sleep.

Later and I still can't sleep. My wrist and my tummy are sore still. My head's also hurting too - I cracked it three times on the telly in Jess' room in the night. You might think that after the first time I'd remember .

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11 Nov 2008 (Tuesday) 

I was very sleepy this morning. I woke about 6ish and couldn't get back to sleep again - I'd been waking up many times in the night as well. Don't remember any dreams at all, which again is a bad sign. Spent this evening chatting to Caroline about trying to make avis from DVDs - which was far harder than I remember .

I got a nice email this afternoon from a girl called Christina which was incredibly sweet. I rarely get diary comments which aren't about viagra or other spam, so it's pretty strange to get a real person. And one who's quite honest and sweet. I've replied this evening; it's just nice to know there's still people out in the world who are that brave.

I'm drawing my inspiration at the moment from Riverside. They're easily one of my favourite groups. Sometimes (I seem to have used that word a lot this evening) you have to get your inspiration from somewhere when you lose your way .

I got into bed this evening and ended up chatting to Claire for a while. Alex's walking around a lot now! Whee!

Oh, and Grandma's out of hospital and stopping with Mum and Dad for a bit.

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10 Nov 2008 (Monday) 

I slept pretty badly last night. Woke up so many times and the duvet ended up half on the floor. I don't even vaguely remember any of my dreams which, when I sleep like that, is usually a very bad sign that I've not slept long enough. I stretched my arm as a got up and regretted it; it's still been very sore all day and hurts when it gets to some angles.

Doctors today; nothing special. Just a check that the anti-depressants haven't disagreed with me and that I've not changed my mind or anything. I was very nervous before going, so I popped home and grabbed some chocolate before going. So nerves plus chocolate meant I was a little bit more bouncey than might be expected. Given what's happened in the last two weeks, I think I've been pretty good really. Claire's said that I've been coping far better than she'd have expected. I had a nice chat to Marieanne in the office today, about going to the doctors, too. She's always chatty.

I was in pretty early, for me, so that I could do a reasonable amount before going off to the Doctors. Very strange, broken day, because of that.

I found an optical illusion last night whilst chatting to Claire. It's probably visible on other things, but it was quite cool for me - Claire said she could see it too. Mike and Steve at work couldn't. I think Chris could see it when he tried. On Windows (XP, but it's probably similar on other systems if you can find a similar pattern) open the display properties from control panel (simplest: press windows+d then right click on the background and click 'Properties'), and select the Settings tab. The colour quality will have a bordered section on it. The lower part of this section is a blend of rainbow colours. They blend relatively smoothly from colour to colour. If you look close you should see that they've about 2 pixels wide-ish. That's not important, though.

Look at the line from your normal viewing distance. Now tilt your head sideways through 90 degrees. What you should see is that the colours become blocks - the dark blue, the green and the red become most prominent. I think this may be an effect of the layout of the pixels on a TFT display, given the colours that become prominent. Or maybe just that when aligned vertically our eyes/brain has a different colour resolution to horizontally. Either way you get an opportunity to sit staring at the monitor with your head on its side and giggling without the need for alcohol or drugs. At least, that's what I do.

Oh, and I bought some new memory to go in my desktop. Thought it might be a good idea as I've got a decent graphics card in it now. So I've got 2G of memory on the way for it. Pity I can't really upgrade the processor really, but that's not a huge deal. The memory will help quite a bit.

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9 Nov 2008 (Sunday) 

Last nights dream was another in that category of epics which we have now and then. I think it's partly to do with waking up regularly which means that I remember more of it, then dream some more continuing the story and then wake up again. Whatever it was, it's pretty bizarre how they happen.

Caroline and I were on a day out. We'd got a taxi to some disused train station in the middle of nowhere - there was barely even a town around. The station was quite overgrown, and the trainlines covered in weeds. The walls had lichen all over them, green and brown beside the windows and doors. Caroline started to make some notes on a piece of paper about the place. It seemed that she'd been given some money to investigate the place and find out what was happening there, and that's why we were there.

We looked around and found nothing much around the platform, but at the end, near where the trainline terminated there was an open door. We went in and looked around. A couple of the doors downstairs led to a living room - pretty deshevelled, with a few pots around, a worn sofa and a mattress on the floor. It looked old, but like it was all used in the last day. We went upstairs and found a bedroom, untidy but clearly used in the last day, red duvets in disarray on a bed and clothes hanging out of a drawer.

There was some noise from outside and we went out to look. As we came out of the door we were nearly run down by a car driving straight at us. We jumped back to avoid being hit, and then looked out again. The car had gone. To our right, where the car had been driving to was an empty wall. And no car. Caroline went over to the wall and prodded it. What had appeared to be a wall was actually a printing onto foam sheets cut in an 'x' pattern which sprung back when pushed before reforming back to the right shape to look like a wall.

We went inside, through the foam and found a store room, and a garage for cars. The car that had just gone by was parked out on one side. Walking right, towards a door we heard voices from the other side but before we could do anything they were through and saw us. Three people, two guys and a girl, approached us and wanted to know what we were doing and who we were there fore. Caroline explained who she was working for and I just said I was here for company. There was an obvious relief from the people and they invited us in for a drink. Tea and water were passed around and we got to chatting in the other room.

The room was almost like a laboratory, or special effects studio. Half finished equipment, odd bottles and jars, and drawers of undefined technical stuff covered every surface. Those surfaces that were clear of equipment were covered in papers, usually stained with rings from cups - sometimes with the cups still on them.

They explained that they were working on some prototypes for things. Nothing special, but just things that someone wanted made. Whilst they were explaining a car pulled up outside and a number of heavy-set men got out and came into the garage. We rushed upstairs and watched outside through the window. Someone yelled up that they wanted their stuff and it'd better be ready. The men had guns and the three really didn't seem so keen on finding out what would happen now that things weren't ready. One of them suggested we escape through the skylight to the roof, so I helped Caroline up first so that she could get out and then the others climbed out; I got pulled up last.

We climbed down the side of the building and to the road and ran for the nearest buildings. Jane, the girl was spotted by one of the men looking out of the window and got shot. Derek and Paul ran off in another direction and were grabbed by a larger man who'd been left in the car. Caroline and I ran towards the forest road, hoping to see anything else and that the trees would cover us. She ran on ahead and managed to flag down a car. I stopped to try to hold the guys off, but I was caught and taken into a large barn with the others. Jane'd got a bullet in the leg and was being bandaged by Derek. We were questioned and asked what stage things were; I was asked who I was and why I was there.

I woke up around then and don't remember any more.

drobe: not a great idea playing that loudly and dancing in full view of outside (living in a ground floor flat) gerph: maybe some cute girl will be passing and think you're really fun because of it ? gerph: and you'll have a whirlwind romance, and be madly in love gerph: you'll meet her parents and they'll think you're wonderful because you're such a nice guy and can take care of her and have a decent job gerph: and your parents will, of course, love her because she thinks you're great for dancing around - who wouldn't ? gerph: And she'll move in and you'll be very happy together gerph: and then she'll get pregnant and you'll lose your job gerph: she'll tell you that she's leaving you for some guy called dwayne who works down the chippy gerph: you'll have no money 'cos you'll be paying for her and you'll turn to drink Jogu decides both that gerph has an overactive imagination, and to reboot gerph: eventually you'll be found outside a pub at 3am having stumbled into the path of a rubbish trunk, blind drunk gerph: you'll be in a coma for 15 months and when you wake up you'll remember nothing of her, or - oddly - of the letter R. gerph: After a few months of rehabilitation you'll return to your family, a broken and distressed man. gerph: and that's why you shouldn't dance to loud music at an open window drobe: which reminds me of http://xkcd.com/439/ [ Dancing to loud music; Justin, Chris and Joseph ]

I'm very tired today, and I must have slept awkwardly on my right arm because moving it beyond certain points hurts a lot. Very windy and rainy today.

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8 Nov 2008 (Saturday) 

It's a pretty bad day today. Nasty weather and generally not great out there.

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7 Nov 2008 (Friday) 

Pretty tired tonight; I think that's because it's quite late, but I can't seem to sleep again. Frustrations and stuff. I can't seem to get comfortable in bed right now either .

Claire's said a few times this week that I'm doing better than she'd have expected. I guess that's partly that I'm not really dealing that well.

Grandma's still in hospital; won't be out until at least after the weekend.

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6 Nov 2008 (Thursday) 

Simon's blog today had a single line in it:

The line "I'm going to say this once, and once only, Gene. Stay out of Camberwick Green!" has amused me immensely today [ Camberwick Green; Simon, Sam Tyler ]

Which just reminds me of an old entry.

My dream last night I don't remember. But the night before was great. My publisher (who happens to look like Simon Pegg for some reason) had screwed me over and I wanted my money back. They'd also cut off my legs. I was a little annoyed by this and so wanted to get some decent revenge. With a couple of friends we got in a car and started to drive to see him. Of course they had to find me some legs first. Where do you get legs from ? Well, a dead body obviously. You locate a body, cut off the legs and then stitch them on. And, again obviously, they won't work because you've just stitched some legs on and they're not properly wired up, so the only way you can make yourself move is by swinging you upper torso.

So, we drove over this very long bridge, which had a toll at the start of it - it's a common bridge that turns up in my dreams (not the one around the multistorey near hospital that's in my dreams of Peterborough; that's a different bridge), going for ages over water and with mountains on the left. The toll at the start though means you have to queue for a bit. It's a bit like the bridge we went on when we went to the Florida Keys, although it doesn't have the mountains. Or the toll. Anyhow.

We got to the publishers, and there's this little house with a garden and a large tree in, and we pull up and I waddle (what else is the term for the way you'd walk if you had to walk by swinging your dead legs to the right place ? waddle's the closest word I know... if you know something better you've clearly got far better an imagination than me to come up with a word for just that occurrence) over to him and demand my money (seemingly I'm not too fussed about the legs) and he says no and walks back towards the house, at which point my friends jump out of the tree on to him. Obviously I couldn't go up the tree, 'cos I've got silly legs. Can't climb trees with legs like these. All this while I'm hoping that I've not got the legs on too long 'cos it doesn't do much good to be wearing someone elses' dead legs. They might go septic and have maggots eating my waist. And going green. Nobody likes green legs.

So, having been pounced on, he's flat on the floor and I sit on his chest. I say sit, I remember ending up there but the only way I might have got there without any control of my legs might be to fall flat on him... so I'm on top of him, hands around his neck, demanding my money and he agrees. Which you probably would do if you had a psycho with green legs strangling you.

Which was all pretty funky really.

Who needs huge blockbuster films when you've got dreams like that ?

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4 Nov 2008 (Tuesday) 

Grandma's in hospital. She's not been well for a few days and she went in yesterday in an ambulance. She's had some virus or infection, and it's obviously not done her much good. She's not been eating much either so she's been getting worse. This evening, Dad tells me, she's a bit better and laughing at things. I hope I'll find out more tomorrow - it's a bit hard when they're in another country.

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1 Nov 2008 (Saturday) 

I actually remembered to take my tablet before I got into bed tonight. That's pretty neat for me. Otherwise I've not really felt like doing much today. I tried to sleep, but just ended up lying in bed until 4pm. I'm really tired now though, so I'm hoping I'll drop straight off.

It's been a pretty horrible day today - it seems to have cleared up in time for fireworks, which I can hear in the distance, though. I hope it's been nicer where Caroline is.

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