I hate going to the bank. It's just very frustrating and annoying. I'm sure that the dentist is worse, but I'm not sure by how much.

For the second time this week, I've got It had to be you, by Frank Sinatra stuck in my head, haunting my every step. It's really quite frustrating. On Tuesday I woke up with it in my head. And today when I was coming back from town it came back. Actually I'm not sure it's the Sinatra version that I've had in my head, but it's that track anyhow.

A bleeding heart torn apart Left on an icy grave [ Forgiven, Not Forgotten, from Forgiven, Not Forgotten, by The Corrs ]

I need to sleep It's been a whole week 'cos tears keep falling into my pool Bright lights driving right into me cold [ Sleep, from Noise, by Archive ]

When I think 'what's the point ?' I really need to have some answer. Something, just anything that means that I can say 'that's why'. Or rather, a better answer than 'what else is there?'.

I think my water clock is in need of more water, now. It's saying the time's 11:22, and it's actually around midnight. Plus the display was really weak this morning - seems to have perked up now, though.

Aww. Hedley called me 'young and innocent' today. It's been a while since I've had that said of me.

'Civilisation Chronicles' arrived today. Yay. And Civ IV is actually playable on my machine. Really mustn't play it, though, because it's very, very addictive.

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year go today. [ Memory and Worry; E. Joseph Cossman ]

I know exactly what I was worrying about a year ago today. But I can't remember whether I had breakfast this morning.

There are only 4 cygnets on the canal now.

Quiet day today. Weather has been awful, but we've had a nice day in the office. It's a bank holiday Monday but there were still quite a few people in the office anyhow - partly because we've got a line manager down from Glasgow for the week, so we've got to be on our best behaviour . But seriously, it's not like that; it's more that we've got someone around who we can ask questions of and get good answers, and that helps a lot. Plus he'll get a good feel for how we work - which I think is reasonably well, but might not be how the other offices work. Not that that's a bad thing.

Mum had the news on this morning, whilst I was getting ready to go back home. One of the things that I stopped to watch, because it seemed utterly unbelievable, was something about a church using songs by U2 in its service. Now some of them I can easily understand fitting in. But I was sure that the pictures they had up on the telly had the words for One, by U2 up on the projector. I assumed I must have been mistaken, because it's so not a song to go in a service. But I'm wrong - it's apparently in there.

It's a bitter song, about anger toward someone, with an acceptance that sometimes that's just the way things are. The only 'good' things about it (in the sense that it affirms something worthwhile) is the ending of the track, where the singer accepts that they only can have things the way that they are.

Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now? You got someone to blame [ One, from Achtung Baby, by U2 ]

The singer, asks of the other party whether they're feeling less guilty to be able to face them again, basically. The other party has clearly returned and the singer wants to know what they hope to gain.

I don't know how to fit a praising or religious slant on that at all, except maybe to ask of someone who's just found faith whether it makes it easier to live their life now that they can blame God for the faults of the world - but that's far too cynical (and clearly not something you'd actually do anyhow).

One love, One life When it's one need In the night One love We get to share it Leaves you baby if you Don't care for it [ One, from Achtung Baby, by U2 ]

This section I'm quite happy with in both contexts. In my interpretation, it's the second party stating that they need to dedicate themselves to their love (their relationship, whatever), and in my possible religious interpretation it works in the same way - you have to be true to your loves, whatever they are,to share them with others, and they are all that matter in the end.

Did I disappoint you? Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? You act like you never had love And you want me to go without [ One, from Achtung Baby, by U2 ]

The singer wants to know more; why did they (insert whatever happened to cause the upset) ? Did they just want to cause hurt ?

I don't know how I can place that in any sort of praising situation.

Have you come here for forgiveness? Have you come to raise the dead? Have you come here to play Jesus? To the lepers in your head [ One, from Achtung Baby, by U2 ]

Is there any other way that you can take that ? Someone who has hurt the singer has returned and they demand to know why ? Do they want to be forgiven for the past ? Do they hope that will somehow put to rest their own guilt ? The invocation of Jesus' name in there is merely to a rather nice simile for the curing the illness (guilt ? pain ? insanity ? you take your pick) in the other party's head.

Take it the other way around, and treat it as someone talking to God and you've got a very upset person demanding a reason from God for why they're there. That doesn't work for me. Switch that to the alternate perspective and you've got God demanding that of the other party, which doesn't sit well at all. No, I cannot fit that in to a praising or moral context.

As I'm sitting here rambling about this, it occurs to me that this kind of thing might be said by someone who'd become... shall we say 'annoyed' at God's behaviour. Lot, maybe.

Maybe it's because I only see the frustration and bitterness and not the general worldly acceptance that however bitter and angry things may be, we still have each other. No, I just can't see it that way, it doesn't sit well with me like that because there are too many loose ends. The less loose ends, the better the fit, the closer to the intended meaning.

There we go. Rant over.

I've got a load of stuff I've brought home but I can't be bothered to go through it right now.

I'm looking at it now, though (a few hours later). It takes my mind off being annoyed at myself.

I've had the most wonderful day with Caroline today; I feel very relaxed with her. So why I find myself asking myself "what am I doing here?", I don't know. I know I'm terribly scared of screwing things up with her, so you might wonder why I'm not over the moon to be with her, and that's precisely the question I ask myself. Why am I questioning that I'm where I am ? And I don't have an answer, and that annoys me intensely. Caroline seems very patient with me when I'm being weird like that. I shouldn't expect that, but I appreciate it. Sometimes I think I just want to sabotage things just so that I don't get hurt again. Let's just not dwell on it, though. I have no idea what I'm doing really.

I've been unpacking loads more old school papers and things today. Another two big bin bags filled with stuff. The are a few things there that are cool, but a lot of rubbish (clearly). At some point I'll write up some of them. I also found a load of old letters, some of which I don't remember even receiving.

Greebo hasn't left me alone this evening. As I'm typing this he's doing the 'crawl up my chest and nuzzle' over and over again.

Back at Parents tonight. Their house is finally up on RightMove.

Not a lot else to say really. Looking forward to seeing Caroline tomorrow.

Oh and Julian's here tomorrow as well so we'll have a pretty full house - Grandma's here at the moment and Caroline may be stopping for tea.

I'm kinda dopey this evening; I just discarded a load of this diary without thinking about it. It's that fun dizzy feeling again. We love it.

Another top tip from today is that you shouldn't put your fingers on kettles that have just boiled. Or thumbs.

I saw the swans and cygnets on the way home as well. The cygnets are quite big now, compared to when I first saw them. The necks on a couple seem almost white; rather than just fluffy grey. Though that could just be my imagination.

Yesterday we were talking about Princesses (specifically with regard to the princessliness of being able to sleep with a laptop under your pillow - it's not exactly a pea). And the only track that I could think of with Princess in was One Step Behind, from The Emperor Falls, by John Wesley. There are, it seems, loads, but that was the only one I could think of.

I was dreaming last night that I had gone back to an old house and was clearing out stuff. In doing so I found that the Greebo and Grendel had become trapped in my old room - something must have fallen against the door. So I had to climb up the outside of the house in order to get in the window. They were tiny little kittens but they were so glad to be out of there and they ran around the garden.

Then I went back downstairs and continued tidying things up. Caroline and I got into a huge fight and there were things thrown, and eventually she wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me. I don't know what it was that we were fighting about.

Another personal disaster There's nowhere to go but down... [ Until I Fall Away, from New Miserable Experience, by Gin Blossoms ]

... perhaps because even the dreams are written by the victors. [ Re-writes; David Chess ]

David Chess has better dreams than me.

Something happened to piss off mummy and daddy swan this morning. They were yelling and chasing the other ducks around the canal this morning. It was really impressive to see, but I wouldn't want to be one of those ducks today.

Todays disturbing tales-from-the-talker was the discussion of how to lose an over-large belly. The suggestion of using a knife was raised, but this was immediately outclassed by the use of hydrochloric acid to burn away the excess tissue. Unfortunately this had the failing that it would probably eat too much away because of the way that it runs. To combat this it was suggested that the entire region be frozen with liquid nitrogen and then removed with a hammer and chisel. So when you hear about 'nitro-surgery' as the latest thing in cosmetic surgery you'll know a) that people have been listening in to our conversations and b) that people are insane.

I really couldn't sleep last night. After getting off the phone with Caroline last night, I said my goodbyes to people on the talker and tried to sleep. About 3:30 I decided to go find some cereal and headache tablets. Finally about 4:30 I think I must have dozed off. I am really going to sleep tonight. I hope.

I got kinda worried this morning. I dropped Caroline an email, as she asked, and didn't get any reply. I got out of a team meeting at about 11:50 and there was a message on my work phone; I've never had a message, so I had to work out how to use the voicemail. There was nobody there in the message. But then I got to wonder - nothing from Caroline; a strange message on my phone... maybe something was wrong ? So I dropped her a text message asking her just to reply and let me know she was ok, so that I could start to worry properly. She rang, and she was at home. So at least I know I don't need to worry that she's driven off the road or something.

Ian :Ok Ian :Who the **** just bought me a Pony? Heds :Shetland? Ian :My little Heds :Where will you keep it? Ian :Someone is seriously insane Ian :And I can't even remember who I was whinging at Heds :could be worse, could have just been the hed Heds :that would have been a message Ian :Heds in a box? ew. Ian :I'd rather have the pony. Heds grins gerph :ian> guilty Ian :gerph> you're insane gerph grins Ian now has to explain to ppl why I just received a purple pony in a gift box! Heds :no he's right, you are gerph :excellent. my work here is done. Ian just boggles [ A Pony!; Ian, Hedley, and I; The Talker ]

I only saw 5 cygnets with the swans this afternoon. Either I miscounted before, or they're missing one .

This truth drives me into madness I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away [ Whisper, from Fallen, by Evanescence ]

I've been really tired and achey all day today, so I decided to give up at about 10 and just go to bed. I was sitting there, writing a program until I felt too tired, and Caroline rang me. So I'm sitting here now and it's just after 0:30, and I'm really tired but my head's whizzing. It's frustrating at times that I'm so unreasonable when it comes to her. I keep hearing a voice screaming at me 'get over it, man'. Shh... I know, it's only in my head.

I wish I didn't have to watch what I say. Or that I could at least explain why. Must sleep now, though.

I noticed, whilst out with Julian, and the family, for his birthday, that Pirates 3 is out soon. I've not even seen Pirates 2 yet.

Not done much today; watched a lot of telly - House (2004, FOX)DramaGo deeper into the medical mysteries of House, TV's most compelling drama. Hugh Laurie stars as the brilliant but sarcastic Dr. Gregory House, a maverick physician who is devoid of bedside manner. While his behavior can border on antisocial, Dr. House thrives on the challenge of solving the medical puzzles that other doctors give up on. Together with his hand-picked team of young medical experts, he'll do whatever it takes in the race against the clock to solve the case.House, some Scrubs (2001, ABC)ComedyScrubs focuses on the lives of several people working at Sacred Heart, a teaching hospital. It features fast-paced dialogue, slapstick, and surreal vignettes presented mostly as the daydreams of the central character, Dr. John Michael "J.D." Dorian.Scrubs, "Men In Black (1997)Action, Comedy, Sci-FiMen in Black follows the exploits of agents Kay and Jay, members of a top-secret organization established to monitor and police alien activity on Earth. The two Men in Black find themselves in the middle of the deadly plot by an intergalactic terrorist who has arrived on Earth to assassinate two ambassadors from opposing galaxies. In order to prevent worlds from colliding, the MiB must track down the terrorist and prevent the destruction of Earth. It's just another typical day for the Men in Black.Men In Black" , a bit of "Men In Black II (2002)Action, Comedy, Sci-FiFor Agent J, it is another day at the office, monitoring, licensing and policing all alien activity on Earth. One day, J receives a report of an unauthorized landing of an alien spacecraft near New York. It is an old enemy of MIB, a Kylothian named Surleena. Who is searching for a powerful artifact called The Light of Zartha. J investigates and quickly realizes he is going to need help. Unfortunately, the other MIB agents do not work up to par like J can. So, J decides to bring back K. J must bring back K's memory as an MIB agent and try to stop Surleena, before she can succeed.Men In Black II" . That's about it.

Chatted briefly to Caroline earlier, but was on the phone to Chris at the time, so couldn't really devote my full attention to it - I'm not good at the multi-tasking.

Really tired today. Didn't get in to work until about 9:30 because I woke up late - I missed the first 3 tracks on the album that wakes me up, even .

Spent much of this evening thinking 'I want to chat to Caroline' (except when I was chatting to Dave, who starts his new job on Monday), before deciding to drop her a little text message to wish her a safe journey home. She called me a little while later to say that she was on her way home now. I think I'm going to see her next weekend, hopefully. I kinda wish I'd asked to see her this weekend, but I don't think it's fair to do that.

At work today I was just thinking about how the weather was turning bad and that I might want to set off soon before it rains. Just as I was thinking that it started the chuck it down. So I finished off some more bits before finally going home at about quarter to 7.

Still, I've no idea what I'm doing this weekend. Not like I've planned much anyhow. I may just sleep for an extended period. Since I've now finished Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince, and Deception Point, I've not really got much to read.

Dave was a little surprised that I've not spent most of my first pay and gone crazy with it. I've bought a few things but nothing too special. I don't really think I need much. I reckon I'm happy with what I have. That said, I wouldn't mind a Squeezebox for my alarm clock, rather than having the PC come on.

My printer seems to be dead. Despite having new ink cartridges in it recently, the blue seems to not work, and the black only works sporadically. I reckon it's just dead. I should probably just get a new printer at some point. Chris keeps suggesting I get a laser printer. Jogu and Ian have recently picked up a pretty decent inkjet that looks quite neat. It's tempting.

I was really tired this morning, and woke up with 3 bites on my hand. That wasn't a good start to the day. No swans on the canal, either, which didn't help lighten up the day. Caroline's not at work for a few days, so I've only had a couple of emails from her, so the day seemed to drag on a lot longer than some have recently.

Dad told me that Riverside are supporting Dream Theater on part of European leg of their tour. Bah.

Julian's birthday today as well, so he and Mum and Dad were down here this evening. That was nice, as I've not seen Julian in a while.

I tend to feel a little dizzy when I'm at work. It's been bothering me a little for the last couple of weeks. It's not much and it's only really bothersome in the toilets and kitchen, but it does sometimes get me in the office. I think it's the heat that brings it on, but when I was in HMV earlier today I was sure the floor was shaking and it was quite cool. I reckon it'll pass. It's probably just a reaction to not being sat in the same room every day - something about the environment is different and my body's getting used to it.

I ached so much this morning. I need to get some decent sleep I think. At least that's been suggested as the reason I ache so much.

You spurn my natural emotions You make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt And if I cause a commotion I'll only end up losing and that's worse. [ Ever Fallen In Love, from The Finest, by Fine Young Cannibals ]

Going to bed now; should sleep, I hope.

The cygnets and swans were hiding under the trees again when I went to work, but they were sitting under the bridge when I came home which, so I got to see them. All 6 little cygnets swimming around their parents. Jason's suggested that I get a photo of them, which is a great idea except my camera isn't all that great. And I don't have one of those new-fangled phones that has a camera built in to it.

Dreams this morning were hazy. I don't remember much except that I was giving something to someone who may or may not have been Caroline (she could in fact have been anyone really, but I got the feeling it was Caroline). I'm also not sure what the something was. Except that I had to give her it and then leave very quickly. Other than being a flat mirrored box, I'm not sure what was inside. Or whether the flat box was the thing. It's frustrating how these things become blurry when you wake up.

This evening I had a chat to Julian briefly, whilst I was making tea, and then settled down to watch House (2004, FOX)DramaGo deeper into the medical mysteries of House, TV's most compelling drama. Hugh Laurie stars as the brilliant but sarcastic Dr. Gregory House, a maverick physician who is devoid of bedside manner. While his behavior can border on antisocial, Dr. House thrives on the challenge of solving the medical puzzles that other doctors give up on. Together with his hand-picked team of young medical experts, he'll do whatever it takes in the race against the clock to solve the case.House. Caroline said she'd be around this evening, so I had the laptop with me, just in case she turned up. Part way through House (2004, FOX)DramaGo deeper into the medical mysteries of House, TV's most compelling drama. Hugh Laurie stars as the brilliant but sarcastic Dr. Gregory House, a maverick physician who is devoid of bedside manner. While his behavior can border on antisocial, Dr. House thrives on the challenge of solving the medical puzzles that other doctors give up on. Together with his hand-picked team of young medical experts, he'll do whatever it takes in the race against the clock to solve the case.House, she rang me, and I had to rush downstairs and call her back (for some reason the laptop didn't 'ring'). Anyhow I got to chat to her, and to Jessica and her friend. Which was all really wonderful. So we had a chance to chat for a little while, and then Sue turned up and we all text-chatted, as well. Which was ... really cool.

The only thing I have to do now is to not think about bloomers, and not feel really down about things.

My left leg's still sore all the time. I'm not really worried about it, but it is mildly annoying. Fortunately it gets tuned out most of the day and it's only when it changes that I notice it, usually. That mostly means first thing in the morning, and after I've been walking around.

Anyhow it's after midnight and I want to sleep now. I finished Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night, so now I've got nothing to read. But I'm tired and the sooner I sleep, the faster I can not think.

It's been raining again today. I saw the swans and cygnets hiding under one of the trees on the way to work, but on the way back they weren't anywhere to be seen .

Had a little bit of a chat to Caroline today. It's really wonderful that we can keep in touch like this. It certainly makes the day seem a lot more worthwhile. Hey, it even makes me look forward to going to work. Ok, that's a bit unfair, because I do look forward to going to work anyhow. I may want to leave whilst I'm there, but when I'm not there I really have no idea what to do with my self. But I'm not going to be one of those people that spends all their time at work. I've done that for 6 years. I don't really want to continue it. At least not just yet.

Chatted to Chris for a while this evening. Hope he doesn't mind keeping me company .

I woke up this morning with Sunshine And Butterflies, from The Mind's Eye, by Stiltskin floating around my head. Not exactly sure why. And a strange dream which had people in it who had had their mouths replaced by big metal holes. That was a little disturbing.

Greebo jumped up on the bed with me last night, which was quite sweet. He's been very affectionate since I've been home. I hope he'll be alright when I go, and I hope that he'll take the move well. I don't think he'll like it as much in Spain.

Today's just one of those days when you ask yourself 'oh what's the point?'. I don't know the answer to that question.

I'm home again today. Only took about 4 hours, which isn't too bad given that I had a bus to Cambridge and both the Circle and District lines were out.

I'm at home (my parents' home) today. Or some of the day. I spent a little of the day with Caroline, which was lovely (for some reason I wrote 'reasonably nice' there the first time around and I don't know why). She was a whole lot happier than I've seen her in a while (although I've not seen her in a while). Caroline drove me home and got to meet mum and dad again, which was... interesting.

This evening, after she went, I was sorting through all of my old school stuff. There is a lot of rubbish there - mostly 'work', because I wasn't exactly sociable at school. Almost all of the pre-6th form stuff can just be binned. And I've very quickly skimmed the 6th form stuff for anything interesting. 'Interesting' being 'not related to school work and an actual indication of life'. There's not much. I think I'd already purged the boxes of anything much of interest. There's so much of the work, though, that I have no idea about. Not just that I've forgotten, but which I just don't remember even doing. I reckon it's just gone from that period .

So, having destroyed a large amount of the documentary evidence of my having actually been to 6th form, and school, I feel a little better. But only because... well, I get to be angry at little bits of paper, throw them around the room and eventually put them in a bag and bin them forever. There's a small tree-worth of paper that's gone out. And I'm really not upset about that. I'm more upset about the other things.

Just for a bit of nostalgia, and because I'm feeling like crap I might as well record why...

I've got a lovely picture of a dragon looking sad. I like it, I did it in 2nd year secondary school and he looked right to me.

I've got a written version of Sue's "The Pit", which is very sad.

I've got a list of presents I received for Chrismas '92, and tracks I like from that period.

There's a year 12 physics self-assessment which is quite telling (I'll reproduce later), and a list of grades for people in the physics class (with me second behind Richard Ablewhite, a result I don't think I continued).

I 'permission to take holiday' note, signed by a number of people in the class (some of whom are entirely ficticious).

A French test (during 2nd year, I think) with a dotted 'JF 4 AB' note on it. A small booklet in French advertising the town of 'Venusville' (from Total Recall).

A list of tracks on my old mixed tapes.

A note that Viv's party is on the 23rd April (I have no recollection of going, but that doesn't mean much).

A note giving the details of my exams for Business Studies 'A' Level, with the scribbled note at the top 'Wed 6th 3pm, What would you do if I sang out of tune ?'.

A page with 'Caroline' at the top with doodled lines around it and the words to Hard to say I'm sorry, by Chicago.

A page which says 'I've been told to shut up! ? Remember to apologise to Sue! Why?' and then the words to 'Forever Autumn'.

A number of graphs explaining bezier curves (I can't find the explanation that went with them, though - I think that's elsewhere in things I've kept).

A page with a number of partial lyrics jotted down - Fatal Hesitation, by Chris de Burgh, Wonderful Tonight, by Eric Clapton, Careless Whisper, by George Michael, I'm Not In Love, by 10cc, Lady In Red, by Chris de Burgh.

A page that lists where I will be at particular times of the day during 6th form. I'm not exactly sure why.

Notes about how to use the simple email system I set up in the library in upper sixth.

Some 14 million pound cheques.

Notes on linked memory file system specification which I never took anywhere because ... it was a bit naff. OLE should have been done better than that (and kinda was by OLE and External Edit protocols).

And there's a message to me from Viv about Caroline that's got no answer from me. And which I still can't answer properly.

And that's just a few of the things I'm keeping. It's actually a tiny pile. The rest is all binned. I'm not really sad to see it all go. It's not like any of it really matters. The bits that I hang on to - the bits that really matter to me - though, are the ones that make me sad. Sometimes I think I deserve to be sad. Because if you screw up, you pay the price for that. It's the counter to the rule that if you do well, you'll be rewarded. I've never really seen the latter in any real way (ok, so excepting some exams), but I still believe in it.

And on that cheerful note I should go to bed and try not to dwell on things. It's 1am, and I need to go back to Reading tomorrow - and I've got a bus to Cambridge, then to navigate a tube that has no circle or district lines running.

Is it sad to look forward to going to work, or coming home, because I get to see the swans and cygnets on the canal. They're just so cute.

I got told I was sad at work today; 'cos I was checking my work email whilst at home. Well, I can't help it if I happen to be interested in what happens at work.

I forgot this one when I was tired yesterday; whilst walking home I saw the swans and the cygnets swimming up the canal towards me. 5 little cygnets all in a line behind their mum (I assume) with dad behind them. If that wasn't cute enough, one of the cygnets was riding on the back of mum, nestling between her wings.

When I was walking in to work this morning they were there, swimming up the canal together.

One thing I realised, this evening, that I don't have, is plasters. I made a small cut in a finger this evening whilst I was cutting some chicken. I have got some Germolene so at least I've got something anti-septic.

Tired this evening.

Had a nice chat to Caroline today, on and off. Which was quite cool.

Spent a few minutes (well, half an hour actually) trying to add 'day of the week' to the days that appear in the diary. Mainly because I've been meaning to for a while but keep thinking of other things to do.

I found a fiver on the floor on the way to work today, as well, but now I feel guilty for spending it because it wasn't mine.

I had a couple of chocolate Croissants for breakfast this morning, 'cos I'd bought them for Simon yesterday and he wasn't around. It's quite nice to have them for breakfast actually; if I remember I might do it again in the future.

It's May day bank holiday today, so town is completely dead (except for the restaurants which were packed). A few of us went out for lunch; couldn't get in to 3 of the places we tried, so settled for Bar Med, which was ok-ish. There weren't many of us in the office anyhow.

And if you want me You can find me Left of center Wondering about you [ Left Of Center, by Suzanne Vega ]

I got a nice little email from Claire this evening, so I gave her a call and spent a while chatting to her - I've not spoken to her in ages. I was really tired before I rang her, and now I'm off the phone it's hit me again. Plus it's cold today, so I don't want to be up too long and get cold.

A few nights ago, Ian was asking for a box he could use for storage using multiple drives - basically so that you're not constrained by a single disc, or the generally quite limited enclosures. I found the 'Addonics Storage Tower' boxes, which seem to do the right thing. There's even a UK retailer (Easy Data Storage) which makes things even simpler. They also do RAID systems as well, for people that want redundancy rather than just extra storage. Seems quite neat.

Strange day today. I looked at my email this morning and noticed one from National Lottery, asking me to look at my account for some news. Seems I'd won 20 quid, which was... yay. Doing the lottery doesn't pay, but it's harmless fun.

I got a nice email from Jason Gordon today, as well. Not spoken to him for ages; he's working for a newspaper now in the tech department, which is kinda cool.

I rang Julian for a chat, but he seemed busy, so I didn't get to chat to him much.

Oh, and I went out shopping and on my way back watched some little cygnets (that's the right word for baby swan isn't it ?) with their parents in the canal. They're really fluffy grey blobs , but cute.

Random renamings and stuff... 'Ethereal' is now 'Wireshark'. Apparently it has been for a while, but because I use Debian 'stable', I never knew. And, apparently Seagate acquired Maxtor last year. Shows how much attention I've paid.

I've ordered myself a couple of mugs with my WeeMee picture on; hopefully they'll arrive this week. They're kinda fun. I spent a little while drawing myself some headphones, rather than the teddy on my picture - 'cos then I won't feel too bad about using it at work.

I spoke a lot to Chris today, and then to Caroline later in the evening. It seems like a lot of chatting again. Anyone would think I didn't like being on my own .

Other than that, I can't think of anything else particularly useful that's happened today.

Hunched foetal in the corner of my soul My fingernails are bleeding from climbing up the wall This time you really hurt me right down to the core And I'm desperately trying to find a reason to forgive you for it all [ Shadowplay, from Internal Exile, by Fish ]

It amuses me a little that this follows on immediately from Cliché, from Vigil In A Wilderness Of Mirrors, by Fish, because that's the last track on the album, and Shadowplay is the first on the next album. Cliché is so very soft, and Shadowplay is so very harsh.

I've just spent about an hour tidying up bits of the diary that didn't have song-references in and re-organising the 'quotes' section so that the order of the columns is now 'date', 'title', 'album', 'artist' (it previously ended in 'artist', 'album' which doesn't make much sense). It's amusing that it reminds me of other things that I've not heard in ages, or vaguely drifted away from which I still like.

Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear ? Never worry, never be sad ? The answer is they cannot love this much, nobody can This is why I don't mind you doubting [ What Is Love?, from Best Of, by Howard Jones ]

And if the mountain should crumble Or disappear into the sea Not a tear, no not I. Stay this time, stay tonight in a lie Ever after is a long time And if you save your love, Save it all, save it all [ The Unforgettable Fire, from The Unforgettable Fire, by U2 ]

Wow, I've not listened to that for ages. The Unforgettable Fire is still a very cool album.

I should go to bed; it's nearly 3am. Ok, just a few more tracks. It's my own fault for sleeping in until 2pm .

Vanilla skies (vanilla skies) White picket fences in your eyes A vision of you and me [ Crush, from Jennifer Paige, by Jennifer Paige ]

Damn you, Julian, for mentioning Crush track last year.

We live out lives in private shells Ignore our senses and fool ourselves To thinking that out there there's someone else cares Someone to answer all our prayers, all our prayers... ... But everything is still the same Passing the time passing the blame We carry on in the same old way We'll find out we left it too late one day, To say what we meant to say [ The Last Straw, from Clutching At Straws, by Marillion ]

It's mildly amusing that I've never quoted anything from Clutching At Straws before, possibly because I was more into that album back in '90 or somewhere around there. This evening, though, I'm trying to find something that really captures my mood. It's not easy because I've no idea what exactly the mood is at the moment. I'm not sure that randomly bouncing through music will help there, though.

There's a spirit seeking liberation Here's a fire with a hungry heart If I listen maybe time will tell me The reasons why we're torn apart As the years go by - don't make any false promises As the years go by Say you'll pray... [ Promises (As The Years Go By), from Nomzamo, by IQ ]

Eek. I've just remembered what I was dreaming about. I was catching a plane to fly home from the States (don't know why I'd be there, but I was) with a friend and we were late. We got on the plane but we were diverted and had to land at another airport, not Heathrow. So after we got there we had to make our way to Heathrow - in the plane. The idea of a plane driving from an airport to Heathrow through the streets seems odd, but it was late at night so the roads were clear. On the way, I noticed out of the window that we were close to Leeming, so I asked if I could be let off here, and they dropped me off quickly and left. I walked up to Pat and Steve's house just as the sun began to rise and went in; there were a lot of cats and birds in the house (I don't know why, 'cos I've never seen any cats or birds in their house!). I stayed with them for a few days. I don't remember much else.

The plane driving through the streets image is someone at work's fault for pointing out a Boeing 737 stuck in a city road.

Today was a good day, mostly. We had doughnuts at work, which is always cool, then Caroline rang to thank me for her mug. I mentioned last week about the colour changing mug that I'd got and she said they had nothing like that at work, so I made up a little picture based on her WeeMee picture, and got that put on to a mug for her. I thought it was kinda cool. I might have to get one for myself, too, 'cos it's quite neat. Plus the first real person to call on my phone at work was her which is kinda neat.

Then mum rang to tell me that their offer on the business in Spain's been accepted. Which is good-ish news, I guess. Then we had lunch at work - fridays being curry / Nandos day. I got a reasonable amount done through the day, despite it feeling like a lazy day because of those things. I think it's more that I got more done because I felt relaxed.

And through the day I chatted to Caroline, and eventually got an email from Jessica - although I was slow at replying because I was replying to a mailing list post at the time. I feel a bit guilty for that, because I really want to think that I put them before work, but... I can't reconcile those two things at the moment.

The copy of Action Replay that I ordered arrived, so I could mod the XBox, and put the media center and MAME on there, which is kinda neat. And I've got a new set of speakers for my room, partly because the bass on my old one was making a little humming sound which was quite frustrating at night. I know it may not seem like much, but it was annoying me more and more.

One of the stranger dreams last night. I was out with Sue and Julian, at a pool and we wanted to go home. It was a lovely day and the pool was really busy, but we had to go home before it got dark. We set off walking for about 15 minutes to the car, and then drove to a tube station and then took the tube home. Quite odd in itself. Then we jumped - I may have woke up or something. The next thing I remember, I was coming home from town with Caroline, quite drunk (not only do I not drink it real life, but I almost never drink in my dreams either, so that's odd, too). We got into the kitchen and I got down on one knee, pulled out a ring from my pocket and proposed to her. That's stranger than normal. We started to go outside to the garden, and someone called after us to wait, but we just rushed out. It was dark outside, but there were floodlights on the garden and a hundred or so people in swimming costumes running laps around the garden. This was somewhat of a surprise. So that, was stranger than normal I think.

So I was in a bad mood this morning.

Fortunately things picked up at work. I got a reasonable amount done, chatted to a few people about their work and what they were doing and tried to help where I knew something about things (not all that much, to be honest). All in all I feel I've had a very good day though.

I got home this evening and rang dad, 'cos I was in a very good mood. So dad and I, and later mum and I, chatted for ages about how things were and then about them moving to Spain. It's not exactly a shock. It does sort of feel like they've waited for me to leave and now they're going to do that. But at least we've known about it for a while. That is, if it even happens. Lots of planned things go nowhere, so I'll just wait and see what happens. After that, I wasn't in the mood for cooking, so I ordered myself a pizza rather than cooking - Simon and Heather'd gone to the beer festival.

Spoke to Chris this evening too, talking about driving and work - I'm still quite excited about my work, so it's quite nice to talk about . In general terms, of course.

Then I gave Caroline a call and we chatted about drink and... hair, I think. How odd.

And now Sue's around, so I'm chatting to her.

It's been quite a social evening - more so than I usually get anyhow.

I feel generally quite good, but it seems to only take a little thing to make me cross - usually just something that's unimportant, too.

My leg's been sore all day, too. Like I've twisted my ankle, but I don't remember doing that. Maybe I did it in my dream .

Now who will light up the darkness Who will hold your hand Who will find you the answers When you don't understand [ Throwing It All Away, from Invisible Touch, by Genesis ]

Very hot day today. I think it's the heat that's been making me feel dizzy at work. Just once in a while, it feels like the floor's moving when it's not (unless the building was being bombed - and I'm pretty sure it wasn't).

We've got Heather staying with us for a couple of days whilst she's feeling ill. That'll be ok, I guess.

Not a lot else to say today. Feeling a bit naff, but nothing serious.

It's May. Woo.