30 Jun 2005 (Thursday) 

One unknown tagline down - whilst talking to Chris Williams last night I found the 'Heavenly eyes' quote. It's in Mostly Autumn's 'The Last Climb' and I misheard the word 'eyes'. It's meant to be 'times'. I think I like the quote the way that it is actually.

On a random whim (provoked by someone else's search, actually) I had a look for Matthew Godbolt again and this time I actually found him.

You're hiding from me now There's something in the way that you're talking The words don't sound right But I hear them all moving inside you Go. [ Fall At Your Feet, from Woodface, by Crowded House ]

Yet another Osymyso update, correcting a few question marks I missed, and the previous version is available.

I had some other things I wanted to say today, but I seem to be too tired now. Oh well. Unfortunately, I've not noted down last nights dream which is a pity. If I remember it tomorrow I'll try to. If not then suffice to say that it ended in my girlfriend's dad slicing my head open with an axe. Given that he was Genghis Khan, that's probably quite a quick thing.

I'm going down to Hollywood They're gonna make a movie from the things that they find crawling round my brain [ I Wish I Was A Girl, from This Desert Life, by Counting Crows ]

Return to top | Comment on the diary

29 Jun 2005 (Wednesday) 

Another Osymyso update, this time from Julian, and again the previous version is available.

Gerph: Who on earth would know me in the Emirates ?! Gerph: Oh, other than Sarah Nicholls. [ Who would know me; Justin ]

Well, I don't know if she went back there or what - I haven't spoken to her since University, and aside from being the only person I can think of would be there that might search for me, there's no reason to think it'd be her. But, hey, it's amusing to see people from far flung places looking at the diary. If that is you Sarah, "Hi!" .

I was trying to find my old 'BBCSound' tools earlier today. This was basically a collection of programs that I'd written to convert simple BBC sound to SoundTrackers. Effectively you called a routine to start the conversion, and then a few more to add the 'samples' that you would be using. The samples could be simple SIN(s) (or equivilent taking in to account the frequency of playback), or more complex operations. Because I used EVAL to calculate them, it was possible to try out different effects quite easily. Instead of using SOUND statements, a SOUND procedure would be called and this would place the relevant information in the output. Another little call to close the file at the end, and the whole thing was done. Pretty simple really. But I really couldn't be bothered re-writing it now as it's a bit pointless. I only wanted it for the Mission Icarus music as I've got that as a little BASIC program now.

Whilst looking for that I found loads of little bits, including two posters from Sixth form. Highly disturbing. Ah well. Otherwise, there were quite a lot of bits from Shades and my Simple BBC Serial Terminal - with built in 'Help processor' (help on how the game works without actually talking to the server - which would obviously use up bandwidth), 'Route planner' (you could tell it where you were and where to go and it would run the route for you much more quickly than you could do it) and other speed ups. Because it was meant to run on the Master, it even had special windowing code which moved preserved the screen whilst the menus were in use then restored it afterward so that the game was undisturbed. Not all that impressive these days (and it would have been more impressive to record the screen text to restore rather than the pixels, but that's another matter). And it was written in BASIC .

Return to top | Comment on the diary

28 Jun 2005 (Tuesday) 

Tell me why Did you fall Over me [ Fool, from You All Look The Same To Me, by Archive ]

There was a big storm here tonight. So I decided to go and stand out in it, because it's fun - it'd have been funner if it had been a little warmer though.

Whilst back at university in first year, I remember going out in a huge storm at the end of term on top of the hill and watching it arrive and then getting utterly soaked in it - there were 3 huge 15-storey towers around us, so getting hit by lightning wasn't a concern. That was fun.

And I remember dancing around in the middle of December as the snow came down at around 1am whilst we were in Stratford. That was nice.

This time, it was about 11:30pm and I'd decided that in order to prevent my having lots of very soaked clothes I would instead wear just my pyjama bottoms and then it would only be them that got wet. Fair enough. The only thing I hadn't really considered is that you're standing outside in the middle of a vertical river with nothing put a thin sheet of cotton around you. It's amazingly fun, but you get cold very quickly. So I've got a couple of photos of me returning in, looking a little drowned, before I had a shower and got warm again.

Ian: Gerph, are you actually losing your mind ? Going out half naked in to a thunderstorm just for fun. Gerph: um... well, that's me. [ Out in thunderstorms; Ian ]

Return to top | Comment on the diary

27 Jun 2005 (Monday) 

I got an email from dec.org.uk thanking me for my donation at the beginning of the year - the date, name and amount are all correct. But none of the references in it - yes, it's a HTML email - go to the dec.org.uk site. Instead they go to www.processrequest.com, www.prq0.com, and app.dotmailer.co.uk. The former two are hosted by bluestreak.com, the middle is registered by a Texan company, and the latter is a service intended for mass mail campaigns.

Since there's nothing I expect from them, it's suspicious - particularly so long after the initial submission. The lack of any direct reference to dec.org.uk is totally indicative of scams. But the details given are curious. They shouldn't be known by anyone outside dec.org.uk. So if it is a scam, it's one that's got more information than it ought to have - and that means that that information is available to the scammers. If it isn't a scam, then it's been thought out pretty poorly - not using their primary site or at least sites that have subdomains - only indicates more that the message is a fake. Of course it could be a scam and just having been lucky with guesses.

I'm going to treat it as a scam, rather than anything else.

Change the street, change the decade Still the longing's left inside But why am I too small to carry you? Why does twilight make me cry? [ Not Only Human, from Siren, by Heather Nova ]

I'm not someone who actually believes that there's anything after you die - but 'Not Only Human' still quite gorgeous. I might not agree with the meaning but I love the idea nonetheless.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

26 Jun 2005 (Sunday) 

Squark was around again today. He really likes to be on my arm our shoulder it seems. Although he's not afraid of sitting on my head - I'm afraid of that though. I now have a nice video of my cowering like a girl as he pecks my face and ear and then jumps on the top of my head. Which I'm sure will amuse a few people.

I've also updated the Osymyso document with the changes that Simon noted. Again the old version is still available. Some of the times have been changed slightly because I can now tell the tracks start earlier than the most commonly known section.

Watched Star Wars III today. Wasn't so impressed. Can't be bothered to write more than that.

I never understood you however hard I tried But it took me a while until I realised That all the problems were mine [ If That's What You Need, from Calling All Stations, by Genesis ]

Return to top | Comment on the diary

25 Jun 2005 (Saturday) 

There are a few taglines whose derivation I have no idea about. They annoy me. If anyone knows them, I'd be very greatful for suggestions...

Heavenly eyes, world at your finger tips. [ Unknown tagline #1; 27 May 2003 ]

I thought this was from Aqualung's 'Strange And Beautiful' (which is a lovely track that I'd forgotten about), but it's not. I'm pretty sure the line is at the same tempo as that though - quite slow, particularly, 'fin-ger-tips' would be the way that the last bit would be.

Note: (30th June 2005) Found it - this is from 'The Last Climb' by Mostly Autumn, and it's a misquote which might explain why I couldn't find it. The word 'eyes' should be 'times'.

Mama said it'd be alright, if I kept it all to myself [ Unknown tagline #2; 31 Aug 2003 ]

This is really annoying me because I'm sure I should know what it is - I'm nearly positive it's a lyric. I was thinking it was someone like Bryan Adams - I'm pretty sure it's a male singer.

Ben!! You're on fire! [ Unknown tagline #3; 05 Oct 2003 ]

I'm thinking this is a quote from TV - it seems to me to be something like Coupling, but I've nothing really to go on.

I'm leaving today, the lights so bright [ Unknown tagline #4; 15 Oct 2003 ]

Positive this is a song lyric, but no clues where it's from I'm afraid. Might be 'city lights' rather than just 'lights'. I really don't know.

I need something to cover this blue [ Unknown tagline #5; 09 Nov 2003 ]

If this was just a random comment then I'd want to cover something blue. I just don't remember covering anything blue.

Icecream days and fairytales [ Unknown tagline #6; 23 Nov 2003 ]

It's pretty. It's got to be a lyric I think. I don't think I'd come up with something pretty like that myself.

At least we got 40 cigarettes a day and a warm place to sleep [ Unknown tagline #7; 13 Dec 2003 ]

Something from television, I believe.

If it had to be just two of us, I'm glad it's you and me [ Unknown tagline #8; 05 Apr 2004 ]

Probably something from Television, although it's possible I just made it up on the spot.

Of all the dreams set so far aside, you are the one I miss the most [ Unknown tagline #9; 21 Jun 2004 ]

Possibly a lyric. I don't think I was referring to a person here.

No longer lost and out in the cold [ Unknown tagline #10; 13 Sep 2004 ]

I'm pretty sure this is a lyric but nothing has come up in searches.

Well I wouldn't date you, but that's mostly because of your looks [ Unknown tagline #11; 13 Sep 2004 ]

Not really sure about this one; I have a vague feeling it's from television or possibly a comment from someone on a talker.

With all of these, I could be completely wrong!

I was trying not to watch 'The Girl In The Cafe' tonight. Because it's a film which when I started watching I knew I'd like and I'd get all emotionally involved in it and I really don't want that right now. Only I did end up watching it. Now, it's not often that I would have thought that a love story could be made to involve world poverty and a G8 summit, but that doesn't matter - what I mean is that the fact that putting them together being odd isn't relevant, because it's what makes the story. It's gorgeous.

A while ago I turned on part way through "Truely, Madly, Deeply" and thought it was wonderful - only discovering afterward what the film was. It was that sort of feeling that 'The Girl In The Cafe' has. And it's really not helped by having a pretty girl with a scotish accent in there - that's so cute.

Only, part way through it, we had a bird trying to get in the window. Greebo was watching him as he sat on the side and kept bouncing off the window. I went to make some tea and then popped outside to explain to the bird where the window was. After pointing it out and trying to explain to it that there was a window there and it couldn't get in, he decided to fly off the clothes line and toward me. My natural reaction was to move away - well you do when a bird flies at your face - and so I'm then standing bend over, covering my face with a bird landed on my back. Eventuallly he gets fed up with this and climbs up my back and stands on my shoulder. Mum and dad came out to see - we've got a couple of photos. He likes glasses, apparently. He kept pecking at the arms on mine whilst sitting on my shoulder.

He belongs to the people across the way from us. Its owner came and collected him - and finally had to pick him off my shoulder because he wouldn't come fly over to her. He was very cute though.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

24 Jun 2005 (Friday) 

I updated the Tag lines page with the details about the derivation of the taglines. At least the ones I remember.

Today has, in general, been pretty naff. Ian is fed up because his project's been ditched, I'm fed up in general (although I'm - like Julian - feeling better today for what appears to be no good reason), Chris is fed up because he's having to mess around with his move. Other Chris is fed up because he's not sure what to do now that he's finished Uni. Simon was meant to be coming home today, which I was looking forward to, but decided not to so that he could spend time with Hannah... who's having a bad time at work.

In doing the taglines, though, I think it's pretty obvious that I like... Arena, IQ, U2, Roxette, Madonna, Heather Nova, Tori Amos, Pain Of Salvation, Lacuna Coil.

Which I know anyhow, but I didn't realise quite how many taglines there were from them.

Storm today wasn't enough; it's still hot and icky now.

And I still haven't updated the Osymyso stuff with Simon's changes.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

23 Jun 2005 (Thursday) 

"That was just a summer thing" [ Randomness; The past ]

Ian said "Are Bananarama reforming or somat ?" and so I decided to look at google news to find out. On the articles that popped up, the phrase "Cruel Summer, by Bananarama: This is a rare bitter summer song" appeared and that triggered the "That was just a summer thing" quote which someone said in my past.

Last night I found the Choir that I saw one day singing 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' on Classic FM TV. Someone has done a page with lots of links on, one of which is to the Scala Choir version of Smells Like Teen Spirit. Quite scary.

I've got a little bit burnt on my arm today in the sun. It's red. Damn.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

21 Jun 2005 (Tuesday) 

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit angry. Not a lot but a little bit. More so than yesterday anyhow. It's just one thing and it's not important any more, but it was - well, is - to me. It's just one of those little things you come back to and it's annoying. Usually it's annoying, but I actually felt angry about it for a change.

And I've just been down stairs to feed the cat and found a dead mouse and that I'd missed a delivery this morning. Which was absolutely... 'huh, ok'.

You make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt. And if I cause a commotion I'll only end up losing and that's worse. [ Ever Fallen In Love, from The Finest, by Fine Young Cannibals ]

But if someone won't talk to you, then how can the air be cleared. How can wrongs be made right... [ Clearing the air; Julian ]

I don't know. I really don't. Maybe you just have to accept it and move on. Yeah, right.

Some sites have little security questions that you can set yourself. And the idea is that you come up with something that is unique to you and nobody else would have a clue about. Which is fine. With the diary being online, I've got to be a little circumspect about the questions - otherwise you could easily do a little research and find the answers. So questions like "Where did I go to school ?" is out of the window. A better question might be "Where was the charity jar found after it was stolen from the Tom Lock ?" which you'd probably not know unless you happened to have been there and remembered what happened in '82. However, the one I found today baffled me. It's one that I know I could have done because of the way that it's written, but I still don't know what I meant - "What town did I not live in at University ?"

It confused me. Oh well.

Good god. Gail Platt was in Doctor Who. Well, the actress Helen Worth was. Strange.

Adding in one of the poems I found in the diary ('This Morning'), I remembered where 'She' had come from - a dream I'd had whilst I was at University.

And in shocking and startling news, Craig Charles is in Corrie. Ok, it's not that shocking, but still it is mildly surprising.

Simon spotted some more things in the Music mix, so I'll be updating the list tomorrow. Unfortunately I spent ages on the phone to him and so haven't really had much chance to do anything yet.

I now feel quite naff after talking to him. Maybe that'll pass.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

20 Jun 2005 (Monday) 

Martha: Well dear, for a gallon of elderberry wine I take one teasponful of arsenic, then add half a teaspoonful of stychnine. And then just a pinch of cyanide. Mortimer: Mmm. Should have quite a kick. Abby: Yes, as a matter of fact one of our gentlemen found time to say "How delicious!" Mortimer: He did ? Well wasn't that nice of him. [ Poisoning; The Brewsters; Arsenic and Old Lace ]

The music list for the 'osymyso' track has been updated now - Mum and Dad had a go at listening for them this evening. It took a lot longer than I'd expected with jumping back to listen to bits again and again, but it was reasonably fun. You have to remember that I'd already listened to it for a couple of hours to make my list.

In any case, the sample list has been updated. If you're bothered by what the old list was, you can still be obtained if you're desperate. I think it's only Mike Sandells and Julian that have looked at the old list, so it's not like there's a lot of interest in it anyhow .

I'm impressed with some of the ones that mum and dad got 'cos I didn't even notice some of them - in particular the theme from Shaft, Nena's '99 Red Balloons', Flying Pickets' 'Only You' and 'Common People' which were very obscure to me. And I want to make a particular note of 'The End' by The Doors which mum got after of so much repeating.

Frustrating one that I can't get is the 'Oh-yeah' section which both dad and I recognised immediately as 'that bit from K9' . Oh. The tiniest amount of research (looking for 'Oh yeah K9' led me to the answer - it's called 'Oh Yeah' and it's by a group called 'Yello'. So there you have it.

She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene I said don't mind, but what do you mean I am the one Who will dance on the floor in the round ? She said I am the one, who will dance on the floor in the round. [ Billie Jean, from History, by Michael Jackson ]

Return to top | Comment on the diary

19 Jun 2005 (Sunday) 

I had the dream last night which I'd been dreading having. I go back in time and meet Caroline for the first time as I am now. It was really quite awful. At first I tried doing things the same as before, but quickly found that I couldn't remember enough to do that, so instead I tried explaining who I was and where things were going. She kind of believed me after we'd spent a while chatting in her room, but it took a few more days before she got the whole picture - because I'm still constrained by the fact that we're at Sixth Form and for some reason classes are more important than this in the dream. I had some sort of idea that instead of following the path she did in the real world, she'd change things and decide to stop at sixth form, or maybe just do things differently. But she decided that she'd follow the same path. The only difference about it was that she never went out with me this time around. She just kissed me on the cheek and left. Clearly in whatever part of my sub-conscious makes these things up, I know that she's better off as she is, nowhere near me.

I finally got fed up with the few minutes gap between the end of Archive's "You All Look The Same To Me", between 'Hate' and 'Need'. So I've finally split the track in two without a gap. And I've done the same with 'Rest My Head On You' and 'Home' too.

Whilst skimming for other things (the word 'Dangermouse' triggered this search), I found a strange site giving links to odd little downloadable MP3s that people have put out. It makes me long for the Good Old Days of mp3.com, but alas they're all gone. Nearly. The page in question had a couple of MP3s for download so I thought I'd try the first...

Ok, it's a strange mixing of tracks that you know... but I love guessing these things so it was great fun to listen to. How many could I get ? Not quite as many as I'd like, but I think I did better than you might have otherwise hoped given my sometimes narrow musical tastes. I've compiled a list of the tracks that I recognise together with the time sequence that I recognise them at - the times might differ when you listen to them if I've either a) got them wrong, b) identified them earlier than you, c) identified them later than you, or d) completely and utterly made the time up .

If you can fill in the gaps, let me know .

I wrote a short story tonight. I actually rather enjoyed it. It was different to what I usually do, so it was quite fun. Maybe I should do it more often. Plus it had no meaning other than to be itself which is always an advantage.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

18 Jun 2005 (Saturday) 

Ever wanted to know about TV series cross-overs ? No. Well, I hadn't given it much thought, but someone clearly has.

I hadn't realised that the 'on and on' in Archive's 'Pulse' continues for about 3 minutes.

Final Doctor Who tonight. Lots of Daleks. Ooh. Scary. But... after tonight, what will there be to look forward to in the week ?

Return to top | Comment on the diary

17 Jun 2005 (Friday) 

So very hot today.

Finished reading Stephen Baxter's 'The Time Ships'. Quite a bit more enjoyable than 'Time', I think. Some of the same 'exposition on an idea' feel to it in places, though.

I seem to be getting myself all worked up over what's 'important' at the moment. It's all very confusing.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

16 Jun 2005 (Thursday) 

Glancing through one of the references I'd found, I came across robotstxt.org which made me laugh - it has a cartoon from Diesel Sweeties on it. I have Diesel Sweeties pop up every day (along, obviously, with Dilbert) and to find that it comes up on another site is amusing - maybe it's better known than I'd thought.

"Which Diesel Sweeties Character Are You" says that I'm Joel. "You're a bit of a moron at times, but you're a total sweetheart". Great.

Sitting in a room, Realisation strikes him, Nobody is there. [ Lonely Simon; Justin ]

For a little while, every week or so, I've been thinking "I should delete my Friends Reunited account". I only registered for one reason, and that's been fulfilled, so really I don't need it. And yet, I looked at it and can't really bring myself to get rid of it. Dunno why. Maybe it's because it's getting rid of something; maybe it's because it shows where I've been. One day, maybe.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

15 Jun 2005 (Wednesday) 

You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. [ Developer's Guide; Solaris Open Source website ]

Original site.

Don't offer sympathy when you've just walked away Don't play apologies, and sentimental games [ Tears In The Rain, from The Visitor, by Arena ]

Interesting. Enemy Without has in its CD sleeve the same lyric as is sung on the CD. The Verglas website, however, has the lyric as slightly different. It's not a major change, but it's one I noticed. The lyric websites that I fetched from have it listed the same way as the Verglas site which is obviously not conclusive.

Sit there waiting for the phone to ring Faith in the attic, tied up with string On a top shelf, bottom drawer Any place I could ignore [ Enemy Without, from The Visitor, by Arena ]

The Verglas site has the same lyric but 'Hopes' in place of 'Faith' - it's very clear from the track that the line sung is Faith, and the live CD agrees with that (I can't remember what they did in concerts I've been to, 'cos my memory sucks).

So I'm curious where the change came in. It's quite a simple change and it doesn't affect the track's meaning much, but it's very clearly sung as 'Faith' so it's not likely to be a transcription error. Which leads me to believe that it's a historical error - that is, during the development of the track notes are made on the lyrics and they might not be quite what turned up at the end production if the words sounded better in a different form (I'm guessing, from my understanding of these things). If so, then this is a little idea of the direction of the track before it was finished. Albeit not a huge change, it's exciting to know that maybe this is a vestige of its earlier state. Ok, mildly exciting. I'm just a little bit anal about getting the lyrics right, and the things around them .

I'm still trying to get all the spoken sections in The Perfect Element, from The Perfect Element (Part I), by Pain Of Salvation and I'm getting... well, not very far to be perfectly honest. Maybe I need to try it from the CD where MP3 effects might not obscure these background bits. It's easier to use the MP3 'cos jumping around is a lot simpler, but for things like this when you want to isolate background sections, the MP3 masking (I think that's the name of the effect) can obscure what you want to hear.

From 1:30 the section I have is ...

... hand(?) ... So still ... Is this what I wanted ? I, who am I ? ... The ... remains of a dead king. ... God, I'm not yours as much as you are mine Help me! [ The Perfect Element (voices), from The Perfect Element (Part I), by Pain Of Salvation ]

So if anyone who happens to read my diary also listens to Pain Of Salvation and has better hearing than me, or what have you... fill in the blanks for me .

One thing to remember about it is that the voices are all references to other parts of the album - it's possibly they might refer to earlier albums too, but I still don't know their other stuff that well and so am not able to fill in any blanks there. The immediately following section is interesting - partly because it gives the evidence for the preceding statement and partly because I think the written lyrics disagree with the sung lyrics. Maybe it's just me.

In his head a thunderous Cry of desperation Jeering voices from his past Scream for his attention Behind those eyes a world explodes No one there to save him [ The Perfect Element, from The Perfect Element (Part I), by Pain Of Salvation ]

The written lyrics, however, say "Tearing voices from his past". Maybe that is the sung line, but I think "Jeering" sounds better and also it has a better meaning - to me anyhow.

The lyrics in the book, and on the Pain Of Salvation website. Oh, and one thing I've always thought about The Perfect Element's CD booklet is that it really is quite well produced and I think I'd have to have to use the word 'serious' about it. It's 12 pages long for the lyrics and some words from the band and it feels like it's worth something - I know that doesn't sound like much but it's just feels like they put more effort in than the few folded sheets you sometimes get for CDs. You take it out of the case and you just know "This is something more than you'd normally expect".

I finished reading Stephen Baxter's 'Time' last night. I didn't enjoy it as much as I did first time. I don't know why, but it didn't seem to engage me much - certainly not as much as Greg Bear's Eon and Eternity did a couple of weeks ago.

Having just undone about 5 hours worth of code I'm a little bit frustrated. Mainly because I hadn't thought through how it would be used - I knew what I wanted but what I wanted was actually impossible without redesigning a good portion of the system that would use my code. And since I can't do that, I've had to rethink and opt for the simpler solution which I'd discarded as it was less elegant and less flexible. Oh, and it implies a knowledge about the failings of other systems so that it can cater for them. I hate designing in things that are specific to badly-thought out code. It's wrong. You should really fix the badly thought out things. But that's not within my control.

Coo; I got back a reply from Verglas; it's always been 'Faith', so it's just a typo. No historical meaning, just a mistake. Well, it was fun to find anyhow.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

14 Jun 2005 (Tuesday) 

The regular early morning yell of horror was the sound of Justin waking up and suddenly remembering where he was.

With apologies to Douglas Adams.

I reckon that wakes should be held before the death of people. Then the deceased could find out what people thought of them before they died - well there's not a lot of point in finding out what people think of you after you're dead. Only they'd not be called 'the deceased'; they'd be the 'pre-deceased' at that point. Or, as Chris suggested, 'the living'.

I don't seem to have achieved anything today; I had a whole plan lined up and it seems to have gone nowhere. And because of that I feel quite naff.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

13 Jun 2005 (Monday) 

A few days ago I did a CD for Farren of a few tracks she couldn't find and I filled the disc with some other tracks that she might like, might hate, but anyhow they weren't important to her - just to fill the space. Whilst checking that the disc was ok, I realised that three of them were tracks which really make my knees go weak, 'cos they're pretty, etc. I've mentioned them before I know, but 'Winter', 'One' and 'To Myself I turned' are just gorgeous little tracks that I love so much...

Anyhow, I was slightly bothered this afternoon that there wasn't enough space on the music server for the most recent Dream Theater and so I began clearing up space. I've got a few bits and pieces that are downloaded outside the albums that we own - lots of them being things that we've known from being younger. So I began tidying up duplicates and rubbish and I found the 'Cliff Richard and The Young Ones' version of 'Living Doll', which I downloaded a few days ago whilst looking for cover versions (because of Simon's 'I want to find cover versions of things'), and beside it the original. So I went to file them away...

And in the Cliff Richard folder, there's a copy of 'Carrie Doesn't Live Here Any More' which I downloaded a few years ago whilst chatting to Chris Williams, I believe. At the time, I remembered (well, now I'm remembering that I remembered) that I knew it from when we were at Peterborough at the Tom Lock, because ... well, as I recall one of the people working there left and I remember substituting their name. I don't remember much more than that, but that's why it has an imprint from then. What I hadn't remembered whilst chatting to Chris but now do, was quite how much it was floating around my head in Second Year Uni after I'd been told again by Caroline's parents that they weren't able to tell me where she was.

Which is, I realise, a bad thing to think about, but it's an odd little thing to come back to again.

Then again there are tracks that just get me all excited when I hear them, rather than just 'hey, that's gorgeous', and that's mostly by the association they have with them - the one that I just found that had that sort of feel was the 'Round The Twist' theme tune.

Long ago I remember implementing a DictD. I can't seem to find it any more. I remember emailing an author of the RFC (or possibly the draft, 'cos I don't think it was an RFC then) with a few questions and getting back a 'we don't expect other people to implement it; there's a reference implementation'. Again, though, it's possible that I'm misremembering.

I'm still not sure what I'm doing. And I'm still not sure how to put into words how I feel. I just hope that one day that it'll all be unfloopy. Until then, I can't see what the point of it all is.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

11 Jun 2005 (Saturday) 

Did I ask too much? More than a lot. You gave me nothing, Now it's all I got [ One, from Achtung Baby, by U2 ]

Return to top | Comment on the diary

10 Jun 2005 (Friday) 

I went to Kings Lynn today to meet up with Sue and leave a present with her. It really wasn't all that enjoyable. It was 'nice' to be with Sue, but Kings Lynn is just loaded with too many memories. I've done what I said I would do now. It's a bit pointless and wrong, and I'm pretty sure it's not worthwhile, but it's done and out of my hands.

I can't think of the words for how I feel at the moment.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

6 Jun 2005 (Monday) 

I suck.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

5 Jun 2005 (Sunday) 

Someone - I think it was Julian, but I can't find a reference now - mentioned something about the 'Good Old Days' recently. And how there's nothing more responsible for the Good Old Days than a Bad Memory. Which is true, but what made me think about it was something I came across earlier today.

Playing with BlogShares recently, purely as a distraction, highlights lots of diaries. It's quite scary how many there are out there now; how can you even justify reading more than maybe 10 is beyond me - I have about 25 feeds that I follow, but most are informational rather than personal so can safely be ignored. Actually I keep thinking I should have a little 'links' page for those diaries like Julian does. And other people do, too. But anyhow, I only read a few - maybe 5 regularly updated diaries which are personal. I couldn't keep up with more I don't think.

On an unrelated note, I was trying to track through whilst I was looking for RSS references and came across someone who was writing in their diary about how they were no longer going to read someone else's blog because they didn't include full text content in their RSS feed. That's fine, but it's hardly something to make a big deal about - if you don't want to read something then you don't. But the thing that baffled me was their justification that they had 1300 or so feeds and couldn't spare the time to have to read non-full-text-feeds. It strikes me that if you actually had that many feeds there would actually be no time in the day to do anything else. And if you're not reading them regularly as they update, then you've already not got the time for those feeds. I have no idea who it was that I found had said that but I seem to remember that it was someone who was pretty well read in the 'blog' world. The other odd thing about that is that others seem to think that being massively read actually makes you important.

I think there's a limit to the importance you can gain through writing a diary or blog online. Think of a steep initial curve that flattens out at maybe 25 readers, rising only slowly until you get to maybe 25,000 regular readers at which point it flattens completely - they just don't get any more important. This is all conjecture, rather than based on any real evidence, but it's based on the principle that to those early, close, readers you are very important. If they are taking the time to read what you write then you are important to them. Beyond that, it's merely your words being spread around by search engines and being discovered by others in passing - they'll only stop around regularly if you have something that's worthwhile to them, and that will raise your importance in general terms, but not by as significant a factor as the close people do - you don't know them and they only know of you what you write. Obviously this continues until you hit a sort of saturation point where you can't really reach more people without changing your attitude - you've already spread your general content around the search engines just by existing.

What distorts this theory is the interaction of other blog or diary writers who reference sites, which increases their apparent importance in the eyes of other blog readers. This is further inflated by the search engines giving more weight to more-referenced sites as we well understand. Having importance inflated in this way is a serious distortion and there's usually three ways to retain that importance as far as I can tell - one is to keep up with the inter-blog referential comments in order to keep those who read you refering back to you and thus maintain your position. Another is to actually write, and keep writing, things that are important and worthwhile. The final one is to change what you write to fit what your audience expects.

There are a few people who genuinely write things that you sit up and listen to because of who they are. They have justification for being important, I think.

Anyhow, I've fallen into the trap of writing about the writing of online content, which is ultimately exactly what I said about refering to people to keep up your own importance level. I'm happy with my own importance level - people read, people stop, but I'm not so bothered. I think I said long ago in a signature 'I'm not after fame and fortune; peace and happiness would do'. Hmm, I'm not sure that was it now I think about it.

Oh my god... There's some lovely signatures in there which have been used over the years; maybe I should just record them somewhere for posterity.

Oh, I was so close..

My aim isn't fame and fortune. Peace and Harmony would do. [ Peace and Harmony; Justin; 11 Aug 1998 signature ]

And now I've got a little page about the taglines that I've used over the years. It's quite amusing. Play the 'What the hell was Justin thinking ?' game with them if you like.

Anyhow, back at the beginning of this entry I mentioned about the 'Good Old Days'. What made me think about that was that it used to be that you could be emailed by random people that had just stumbled over your website - or in my case, diary. These days, not only are websites very common, but people just don't email other people randomly. I kinda miss that in some ways. I know I do it with people that I know. I'll just email random rubbish to them - not links or anything cheap like that, but real words which usually have a little thought beheind them. Why ? Because it shows that I'm alive ? Yeah, mostly, but also because sometimes I don't know what to say but just that I want to say something. Invariably, I get no replies to such things, but that doesn't bother me too much. I've said something and it's been done; whether it expects or warrants a reply is not important. There's also the question of whether ther recipient(s) actually cared about what I was saying... well, if they didn't they'd say. I have had a couple of people over the years just say "I'm not sure what you were trying to say" which I suppose just means that they don't quite get the way in which I think.

I know that Claire will testify that I suck at keeping in touch. I hate that. I know I'm bad at it, but to be fair with the people that have mattered to me I have tried hard. It may not seem like it to them, but I have - Angela, for example, I lost touch with for many years. Phil too, and I should try to at least get back together with him at some point. Alistair and Matthew I've lost touch with completely. That makes me sad, but it's my own fault. Caroline... well, I tried for a long time.

Anyhow, the whole reason for this entry and the numerous side-thoughts which have come up was that I was thinking "I'll just email a person who's blog I found through Blogshares" (really, it's painful to use the word 'blog'; it's just attached to the word 'scum' in my head...), only I couldn't because 'MSN Spaces' don't seem to give you easy contact details and you can't comment without getting yourself one of those MSN Passport things which I find really rude, to be honest - I don't want to associate myself with a corporation just so that I can talk to someone.

So having been denied all electronic means of communication, you're not actually able to contact the person. Maybe this is why people don't just contact other people out of the blue - they just expect that no details will be provided. Mine have always been available - I've never really been that circumspect about my contact details - since University.

People are just different I guess.

And that was a Sunday; really, I don't like them. They mark an end to another pointless week and have little purpose but to remind you that like the end of the week, there's ultimately nothing worthwhile in your life.

I felt like... something pretty bad last night. It's nights; I think you're more susceptible to things at night and the barriers that you put in place during the day are somehow less effective when you get tired. Some of what I was upset at stemmed from thinking about how everywhere I'd been for the past many years, Sam had been with me, and how maybe it was time to forget him. I know it's not much, but it's all I have left.

I'm working my way through reading Eternity again; I read Eon last week because I enjoyed it. Eternity doesn't seem quite as reaching as Eon. I think it stems from the story line being taken to its conclusion and then pushed. I felt that way about the Rama series. In Rama, the curiousity and Sci-Fi interest was slowly replaced by a social story about how people are people. The same thing seems to be in place in Eternity. Yes, I know that Eon has that too - there's the Geshel and Naderites with their diametrically opposite views - but it's as a device to expand the story's Sci-Fi interest, whereas the political issues and actions are very much to lead up to the "we'll do what we want". People being people at the end of the day. It always struck me that in Eon (although less so in Eternity, I think, possibly because the situation has been reversed by the return to Earth), after centuries of travel there are still very strong ties based back to the Death - those whose leanings are taken directly from the philosophy of the groups after the massive nuclear exchanges that took place on Earth and the consequent years. It seemed to me that with contact with other nations, the radical physical and mental restructuring that groups have undertaken and the huge amount of compromise necessary just to deal with partners in the way, there were no other major philosophies developed. It's like saying suggesting that since 1066 the philosophies of people in the country haven't changed. It's just not a reasonable proposition.

Maybe I just let it go because it's a part of the story - you can relate to 'future' things if you can see a clear path from the a reasonably stated contemporary position. To take a musical example, if you'd tried to explain (taking an extreme, for its time, example) punk music to a group of people from the 20s ? There's no clean route because so many styles of music cover the intervening time - not to mention the fact that it's so coarse compared to music of the 20s. That coarseness, we can see is a result of a social condition, of a rebellious nature and a development of technology which allowed both more volume and a different kind of sound (which wasn't the point of punk, but it was just a part of its being because that's what the intervening years had produced). Could those people understand the appeal ? Could they see it as even music ? You can't expect them to relate to it... it's just too distant from their experience. I'm speaking as a person who couldn't probably place himself in a 20s frame of mind if he tried, but I'm trying to explain it as a distinction. And Punk's more than 20 years old now - we have differently extreme music, and the styles that go with it.

My point, though, was that in centuries there are so many things that can and would have changed that we probably wouldn't recognise such things; whilst some of the 'infantile' understanding of the contemporary humans comes across in Eon, to the reader (possibly with the understanding that's gained by reading about those in the Way) it's more understandable. I think I just take the word of the author that "it's beyond the humans" and don't question it. Clearly if they'd started talking about the things that we couldn't understand through the centuries of distance it wouldn't make a good book. On the other hand, details like the distinction between partials, city memory, rogues and even Talsit are left suitably vague which intimates there being so much more that isn't understood by the contemporary's.

Eternity mostly avoids the Sci-Fi parts with the exception of the journey and return of Mirsky. I actually didn't enjoy the Gaea sections so much first time around, but on this reading I found them to be less frustrating. They laid the groundwork for the Jarts, and in particular Olmy's treating of the Jart was more interesting. Anyhow, I'm still reading; I can't remember the end and I'm enjoying it so far.

I screwed up again. I give up; I just can't get anything right.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

4 Jun 2005 (Saturday) 

I've laughed a lot in the last five minutes. I was searching for an RFC to help with something I was working on and around the same area I saw RFC 1135 which has the title "Helminthiasis of the Internet". I had no idea what that word meant, so I started reading. The RFC is a really nice description of a worm attack which spread in 1988, the action taken and some of the things to be learnt from it. It's actually a really quite interesting read in itself. It seems quite long, but - I discovered when I got there - half of the document is bibliography, which in itself is pretty amusing.

I scrolled down to the bottom of the document quickly to see whether there was anything after the bibliography and found the following which amused me a little more...

If security considerations had not been so widely ignored in the Internet, this memo would not have been possible. [ Security considerations; RFC 1135 ]

... which is a lovely comment anyhow. Then I quickly scrolled up and a name grabbed me. I was sure I'd seen something so I paged down, trying to see where I'd seen the name. And there it was. 'Chess, D.'. David Chess works at IBM, he has written, I remember, various papers on viruses and their kin. There can only be so many 'Chess, D.' working with Viruses in the world, can't there ? So I jump over to his site at IBM and it is indeed his publication.

So why's this amusing ? Not that he's written an article cited in an RFC; that's interesting but in his line it's probably not surprising. But that a random RFC that just happened to grab my attention (and, let's face it, there's now over 4000 of them, totalling over 280M - I'm hardly going to be reading them all!) includes someone I 'know' (there really needs to be another name for people that you know through the internet; 'acquaintance' doesn't really cover it, I think) is rather amusing. There are only a few thousand people in the world and that's why you keep coming across them over and over again.

Ok, so I'll be back to feeling cack in an hour or so, but it's amused me no end now.

There's really not much point in writing much more today.

Return to top | Comment on the diary

3 Jun 2005 (Friday) 

Afraid of feeling nothing No bees or butterflies My head is full of voices And my house is full of lies [ Home, from Sheryl Crow, by Sheryl Crow ]

I skimmed the quotes section of the diary and there's a quote listed for the 25 May 2005 with the title 'Um... no it's not'. There's no such quote listed on the public part of that day. I'm not sure why I made the quote private, though. Maybe I'll unprivate it at some point. Or maybe I'll fix the summary handling to strip out private quotes.

So, it being a new month and all, I decided to work out what exactly I've managed to achieve over the past few months. Yes, it's been months. It really doesn't seem all that long in some respects, but my sense of time has always been a little warped.

I said back in March that I had a Plan. The plan was based on a very wrong reasoning, which I realised a few days later. I know, or have infered, a lot about things that I should not even have any interest in, so that's pretty much a waste of time. Within the plan there were a few things that were marked down as being done over these months. I've done one of the major ones and a few of the minor ones. There are still a load that have not been done. I'm still walking around the place uttering partial sentences, though. Sleeping is easier. I'm not so upset or mind-racing that I'm unable to sleep. Dreams are disturbing, but isn't exactly much of a change from previously. Helen helped, although she wouldn't have known it, just by writing some things down. I'm thankful to her for that, and I've told her as much.

Whilst I'm trying to box off any feelings I might have that are upsettings, there are still a few things that come back again and again. However, they're not questions which has to be a good thing. Just bland statements of fact which might be hurtful but are plainly true. The good thing about such statements is that however you might feel about them, you cannot deny them and their foundation is solid - there's nothing you can question or leave open to confuse you.

There's still questions that come up now and then, but they're nothing new or only very slight refinements of earlier questions. There's no new information to inject to clarify the questions so without that, you're left with just the same things and that brings the end to speculation. So, because the questions can't be answered they're boxed away and left. Maybe they never will and certainly they're none of my business.

It's clear, reading some sections of the diary, that there have been a lot of things which were getting to me and I've resolved quite a lot of them now. There's still a few major ones to be settled, but they're getting better.

Has my overall attitude changed ? Hmm. With respect to life ? Not really. With respect to dealing with things ? Yes; I'm actually trying to deal with things rather than just putting them aside, and trying to be decisive. It's not much but I am trying, which is important to me. With respect to work ? Yes, I feel... not unhappy now. With respect to Caroline ? A difficult question. Resigned, I think, covers it. I would like to say that she has everything she ever wanted, and she doesn't need me to be even a little bit in the background. I'd like to say that. I don't believe it, though. Whatever the case may be, I doubt that she thinks about me even in passing. I'm pretty sure that it will be a long time before we talk again. I won't say that I'm ok with that, but that if that's the way that things are then that's the way that they are. I can argue that that's exactly the thing that I curse about myself long ago, but it's who I am and it's something I don't think I want to change. When she wants to get in touch, she will. If she doesn't, then so be it.

So, in that respect, things recently have gone well. I'm no longer racing around in circles all the time. Once in a while maybe, but not all the time.

I now don't know what my New Plan will be; it's not quite as formed as the old one. It might last longer by not having an unrealistic goal, though.

In any case, there's really not a lot of point in dwelling on these things, is there ?

Return to top | Comment on the diary

2 Jun 2005 (Thursday) 

All being well, the 'Comment on diary' option at the bottom of an entry will now include a reference to which diary entry is being commented on. It's actually a little annoying because it relies on a little bit of PHP to process the query on the server, but it's only a tiny bit of PHP and it's not a requirement that it be there in the diary so I can cope with that, I think. I did, unfortunately, need to recompile HSC with a slight modification to get the query parameters processed properly, but this was an 'easy' fix as the author had even left a comment to that effect in the source.

I was going to meet up with Sue tomorrow. However, it appears that that's off now. Maybe I should just take the hint and not bother. I was looking forward to that and now... well, I'm not.

I was quite utterly fed up last night, and I'm pretty much fed up tonight. Maybe not to the same extent, but that's a good thing. Still, the night is young...

On my list of things I wanted to do a few days ago was 'update the "About me" page'. I'd not done it until now, . There were a number of factual errors in it that I think ought to be addressed. I think I may have been in the wrong frame of mind to update it because it seems a lot more sad than it ought to be. I can't do the jokes as easily any more. I seem to want to say the truth, rather than be amusing around it. I don't know why that is. Or maybe I do. I'm not sure. It's been something that I've noticed myself doing for a while. Where I would previously make up a load of rubbish to keep people amused, I instead try to focus on the real and either say nothing, or come across as dull.

For the past couple of months I've been very sad. It's bothered a few people, my parents and Claire in particular. I thought I was feeling better and picking up the pieces. Yesterday was another one of those down days. I don't really want to whine here. I know that's what it sounds like. And the worst thing about it is that one of the people that I would want to care has no reason to - and even if they did have reason to, they could quite reasonably say that I was just being silly.

It's not solely based around Caroline. Mostly, but not solely. A lot of the problem is based around my not accepting that I can't do anything for her, and finally realising that whatever may have happened, for her I was just another relationship that went wrong. And it's upsetting and it's painful. The whole thing is made worse by seeing myself as I am now, and realising quite how lucky she was that things didn't turn out differently for us. And it's ten fucking years too late to be upset about such things. Nothing can change that and it's taken me far too long to try to deal with these things. She didn't want to know me back them, and probably won't now for a long time. I think it will be a few years before we talk again.

Mum's home now, so I'm going for a hug and then I'll go to bed. No hug off mum, but a mouse to catch instead . What's the point ?

Return to top | Comment on the diary

1 Jun 2005 (Wednesday) 

After a long time I've finally succumbed to the exceptionally useful, but frustrating to implement in my diary, 'permalink' thing. This just means that there's a little 'blob' beside the dated entry which explicitly refers to the entry in a permanent way - that is, it won't vanish a the end of the month as used to happen. So if you want to link to the diary, you can use that little blob to take you to the right place even when it's the 'current' month.

The style of the blob has been gratuitously stolen from David Chess and given a nice coat of grey paint - my diary's in grey, his is in brown, so we needed a little bit of a different look.

And it's a new month. Depressing, isn't it ?

If you're exceptionally bored, find the end of 'Tomorrow Never Knows' on Phil Collins' 'Face Value' album, 4 minutes 10 seconds in and turn the volume up very high. "Somewhere over the rainbow" is there at the end. It's not particularly interesting, but it's there.

Having got the relatively complicated and impressive-that-it-works module up and running, I'm left with the disheartening thought that it's all just a completely pointless pile of shite. It'll never be used, nobody actually cares, and it serves no purpose. Sort of a micro-cosm of my life really. Where's the point ?

Return to top | Comment on the diary