30 Oct 2000 (Monday) 

A couple of nice emails from Nicola today; spoke to her briefly on IRC, too. I think I made her a bit mad at me, but... well, I was only saying what I thought - people shouldn't say what they think some of the time. Sorry Helen, but it's true. Ah well...

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29 Oct 2000 (Sunday) 

There's been no diary recently, as you might have seen. I've not been getting in until about 11ish, and so I'm quite tired, and don't have much to say. Plus I've got a cold at the moment which is somewhat killing me.

Other than that, we went to Beetlenut yesterday, with Joseph and Dave. Still no cute waitress on. I think she was probably only working there over summer and has gone back to university now. Probably. Or she's just left. Just my luck. Ah well.

Watched Matthew's T2 DVD last night. Rather cool, and a lot of extra stuff on it, too. Yet another one of the region 1 only DVDs. Such a pain when you've got a DVD player that auto-selects.

It's now 10:30 am, and I should be at work. But Matthew's not up, so I can't go just yet. Oh dear. Well. Anyhow. Better go get dressed...

And now it's nearly midnight; I'm back from work and nearly ready for sleep. Spent ages chatting to Nicola on IRC tonight on #happykid. Strange. So many people on there that I know... How can that be ? I don't know; I'm fed up with myself because she thinks her life is bad and yet, even with the dilemmas she faces, she's actually got a boyfriend and another significant other - ok, that's part of the problem, but still... And partly it's because every so often I realise that Helen just ins't interested. Yeah, I know I shouldn't think about it, Mum, but that's me. Anyhow, I'm tired and still ill with my cold, so I have a kind of excuse. I think of Nicola as a friend.

Nicola... Hmm... She's talked about the chat we had on IRC tonight; I don't know really. The thing is that, although I've never been in the situation she's in, I know the problem, where you think around in circles and you can't get out because you don't know what the real problem is - you think you know the problem but you don't want to face that, and that so you don't get to the real problem at the root of everything. And the thinking in circles sets your mind to thinking in that way and you get a downward spiral of thinking that you can't get away from your problems and that nobody can help. And then you think that you can get out of it easily by just leaving everything; just go somewhere and start again - she's more drastic about it in how she thinks of things. I'm more vindictive; I'd not want to kill myself for many reasons, but two of them are that it'd hurt (a major one) and that I'd not get to see everyones response to it. Um, and the fact that I'd be dead is a no-go reason as well... but... I think she thinks that being single is easy. It probably is for many people. Not for me; I don't meet and mix with people well.

One thing that bothers me about the whole Helen thing is that I really don't know her that well, and most people know her better than I. And yet I truely believe that I should spend my life with her ? I mean, it's like the times that people asked me - some time back - what I found so wonderful about Helen. And I truely don't know; maybe it's the concept of Helen that's appealing. I can say though that I don't know what I find so wonderful about her and maybe that's why I don't think we'd make a good couple. I'd love to find out from myself, but I digress... It's just the fact that she does make me feel wonderful and that the world is a good place when she's around.

I feel concerned for her mostly because I felt really awful around Christmas and pretty much spent a weekend at home crying to mum about my life. Mostly the problem came down to the fact that most of the people that we had to deal with would have been better off doing something else. Like gardening. And the fact that we were trying to do the work of more people than we had didn't help. Anyhow, it's just one of those things. Nicola probably won't see it as the same thing; I'm not sure that I do, but...

Oh, by the way, I'm in Scotland, in case anyone else didn't know...

Niall, by the way, has moved to Spain. Which is rather interesting. To me, anyhow. I'll drop him an email at some point to let him know I'm at least alive.

Spent ages talking to PaulF tonight, too... About stuff and things... Nothing particularly special, but I think I just wanted to talk to someone else .

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24 Oct 2000 (Tuesday) 

Chatted very briefly to Helen today, using ICQ. Evil thing, but a neccessity if I want to talk to her or Nicola. Oh well. Didn't say much anyhow.

Chatting on IRC about things. Ok, ranting, then. I'm nice. I'm a really quite sweet person really. Ok, I have my little rants, but... I'm not so bad, really. I'm intelligent, I'm nice, I wouldn't cheat on girl, I would pay attention to them and what they wanted, and try to give them that. I've got a good job, paying regularly, with reasonable money. I'm reasonably well trained, I can look after myself vaguely well. So, why is it that these qualities are things that girls don't seem to want. Well, the answer there is that maybe they do, but I'm too busy with work, and tied up with myself. And that I'm too shy to actually say anything to anyone female. Bother.

Oh, I've found some MP3s I didn't know I had. There seems to be alternate mixes of Dreams, I Never Loved You Anyway and What Can I Do. They're a little less pop-y. Certainly Dreams isn't as dominated from the start by a drum. I Never Loved You Anyway is a slightly different mix of strings, I think - the vocals are a little more prominent, and there's very little drums at all in the intro, it's a quite different sound. One I think I prefer, to be honest. What Can I Do is the advert 'dup-dup-dup' version. I'm not sure I like it. Although, it does grow on you... Really, it does... it's interesting.

Spoke to Nicola about music. Ok, I asked her what she liked - I'm just trying to get the idea of what she's like. She likes Bryan Adams. That's a good sign. Albeit that I haven't got much . She also likes Savage Garden. Another good sign. She liked something I don't like, too... but I can't remember what... Just goes to show.

Where did we come from ? Why are we here ? Where do we go when we die ? What lies beyond ? And what lay before ? Is anything certain in life ? They say "Life is too short For here and the now, And you're only given one shot." But could there be more ? Have I lived before ? Or could this be all that we've got ? If I die tomorrow, I'll be alright; Because I believe, That after we're gone, The spirit carries on. [ The Spirit Carries On, from Scenes From A Memory, by Dream Theater ]

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22 Oct 2000 (Sunday) 

Sunday today. Up at 8:30, did a litle bit of stuff, went to work, came home, played Homeworld, chatted a bit, had tea, watched telly and will soon go to bed. And I left the computer connected to the 'net whilst eating tea by accident. Bother. More annoying is that Nicola was trying to talk to me and I wasn't there. I must seem very rude; sorry.

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21 Oct 2000 (Saturday) 

Lazy day today. Didn't do very much because I'm quite tired really. One day off a week. Um, maybe I'm just being snobby, but it's really tiring. Oh well. We went to Beetlenut tonight - it seems if you're not careful and book in advance it can be difficult to get a table on a Saturday night. However, there was room. But the cute waitress wasn't on tonight. I know she's got to have nights off sometimes, but... well... And I'd looked forward to it, too .

RISC OS show today. Epsom. No idea what happened, yet. Apparently there's reports up on the various news sites, but I've not really looked.

The Acorn User website was annoying me by having a couple of 'simple' mistakes on it. I was quite bothered, so I wrote the webmaster an email. It wasn't a particularly good or nice email. But I got a lovely one back from the webmaster saying they would fix the problems and just hadn't got around to it. In spite of the fact that it was quite rude they still replied and are doing something about it. That's impressive. They get my vote for helpfulness today ! Thanks !

I really love reading Nicola's diary. It's a breath of fresh air after the fake things I see almost everywhere else. She's a real person. With real feelings and unafraid to express them. I can't say a lot of the things I'd like to. Partly for contractual reasons, and partly because they're really quite nasty. Well, some people have seen bits of my diary as I got stressed over Helen, or RISC OS users/developers. But those are quite restrained really.

Anyhow, it's now 2am and I need to be up early for work tomorrow. Yes, I know it's Sunday tomorrow, but I'm still working anyhow. Oh, this lovely overtime. It's really fun. Oh yes.

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19 Oct 2000 (Thursday) 

Last night I went to see Dream Theater at The Garage, Glasgow. It was really quite cool. I've not been to a DT concert before, and didn't know too much of their stuff - the main thing I know is Scenes From A Memory. I was well impressed with the album, and equally with the concert; Dad's going to UEA to see them on Friday, so I'll have his comments soon too... Anyhow, they did most of that album, it seemed; certainly it was wonderful to hear bits of it live . I think particular favourites of mine were 'Home' and 'The Spirit Carries On', but it was generally really good. The Garage was a really small venue, too... But all in all a good night out. Graham is off to the London gig on Friday, too, which is reasonably cool - I've always wanted to do two concerts in a tour...

Still working really hard at the moment, so no chance for much of a diary - bed soon. Done 12 hours today, so it's quite tiring...

I was thinking of going to the show at the weekend, on the grounds that Helen might be there, but... well, I can't actually get the time off. Otherwise it'd be a neat idea. Ok, so unwise, but anyhow...

Hmm... Julian's ordered some stuff from http://www.bol.com/ - a copy of the Re-mastered Script For a Jester's Tear and Clutching At Straws. He's been sent a copy of the standard disc. It says quite clearly that the 'Re-issue contains a bonus disc'. Which the copy he's been sent doesn't. And Clutching has vanished from the list, but Script is still marked as 'in progress'. Seems reasonably crap to me. I'll avoid them in future.

... it seems that the bol is simply all that they talk. [ About bol.com; Julian ]

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16 Oct 2000 (Monday) 

First of our long days today...

Friends DVDs arrived at work today - seasons 1-3. Hmm... Except now I don't have time to watch them. Some might say this is a bad plan. Bother. Oh well.

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15 Oct 2000 (Sunday) 

Simple way to scare Matthew. At 5:30, tell him that you're annoyed because you missed the Simpsons that started at 5. He'll get all concered 'cos he thought it was six o'clock, and then rush about trying to confirm that he's right. Meanwhile you sit back and be amused.

Spent quite a while chatting to Nicola tonight over ICQ. I know I've said that ICQ is evil, but needs must, as they say... Well, chatted about various things. I don't actually remember much. Talking mostly about her weekend and what she's up to. Nicola actually sounds like a very nice girl. She's really great to chat to. Even over ICQ. What surprises me about her diary is that she cites 'THE Helen Rayner'. Her capitals. Is she that infamous ? Ah well.

She seems to be seeing the effects of online diary writing. It kinda kills conversations. I don't know if other people get that, but I get it a little bit from some people. Actually, I'll ask David Chess and see if he has this problem or not... Given that I only read two diaries, I don't have a lot to go on... It is odd that sometimes you don't actually have anything to say because you've told the world at large. That's just a general occupational hazard of online diaries, I guess...

Nicola cited me as making a bad impression on Keith. I think that's understandable. I am very moody. Well, when it comes to certain things.

I've now got this extra MP3 player just lying around the house. Hmm... What do I do with it ?

Long day tomorrow. Must get some sleep.

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14 Oct 2000 (Saturday) 

Watched Jumanji with Matthew and Joseph tonight . It's quite funny, but it's a pity that there aren't more special features on it; they could have at least done 'the making of' on there. And the 'trailer' was particularly pathetic - it was just a generic 'here, look what you can watch on DVDs'. Not too impressive.

Not had chance to write anything about the MP3 player, yet... I'll get around to it, but I've been busy. We went to Beetlenut again tonight with Joseph. This is becoming a habit .

They're working us quite hard at work. Oddly enough. But they're paying well, which is quite nice. I'm really quite enjoying it - it's gonna be fun .

Finally replied to Helen; she received my present, and seemed to like it. I hope she does.

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12 Oct 2000 (Thursday) 

Hope and Glory is a cool series; this week we had a run for headship of the Sixth Form centre. The reason I say this is that Kitty Burton is really gorgeous... Well, Gillian Kearney is; she plays that character...

New MP3 player arrived today. Had a quick play; I'll put up more specific comments tomorrow, or at the weekend .

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11 Oct 2000 (Wednesday) 

Matthew keeps staring at my Willow poster. I'm getting quite concerned .

Stargate tonight was quite fun; lots of repeating days. I quite like the little time loop things that they do on shows like that; it's rather a nice thing to have once in a while - that's the important thing, though. Only once in a while .

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10 Oct 2000 (Tuesday) 

< fx: attempt to freeze dead woman with a knife > Piper: Ok, that didn't work... But my legs do... < fx: Phoebe kissing screen guy > Phoebe: Um... Privacy... Prue: Um... Axe murderer! Prue: I'm being stalked by Psycho killers, and I hide in the Shower ? ! [ Charmed ]

Westley: In a few minutes we'll be safely in the Fire Swamp. Buttercup: We'll never get out alive ! Westley: Nonsense ! You're only saying that because no one has. [ "The Fire Swamp", The Princess Bride ]

And many other things from it. The Princess Bride is such a cool film. Watch it. Again. And Again. Julian had a load of links to scripts and I'm sure one of them was The Princess Bride; if I find it, I'll include it here . Julian's review of The Princess Bride is interesting. He's not as enthusiastic as I'd have expected, though. In general his Films review page is good, though. Ok, I've found the script in a few places, but this one looks nice.

A few more DVDs arrived today; Demolition Man, The Devil's Advocate and Dirty Harry.

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8 Oct 2000 (Sunday) 

Fixed RSS summaries today. Iain mentioned that they're still broken . Should be fixed now !

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7 Oct 2000 (Saturday) 

Tidied up my room quite a bit today; there's still a bit to do but I'm working on it . Oh, and I've fixed an AMPlayer problem with FileInfo today; foreground FileInfo's shouldn't affect background played tracks now .

Saw Hollow Man tonight at the Cinema; very cool special effects, and reasonably fun and scarey. Strange, though how they don't think of simple things like 'disconnect the power' to stop simple bombs going off...

For some reason my right nipple is very sore tonight. It's like I've bruised myself or something, but there's no mark. It's a little swollen on the right of it. I'll assume it's just a bash I've forgotten about. I hope.

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6 Oct 2000 (Friday) 

Some time back Stefan Bellon was chatting to me about names of machines. As I've now got Greek gods as the names of my harddiscs, he wanted something that was world unique. Not just the full name, but the local part being world unique as a host name. Or set of names. So, he's come up with the hosts veni, vidi, vici and ceaser. Which is so cool. Well, I think so anyhow.

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5 Oct 2000 (Thursday) 

Sent Helen's Present today. Hopefully it'll arrive safely. Or I'll just look foolish.

In Beetlenut tonight (the place we go for meals because it's nice and easy to get to and not Chow ) with Peter (we all went out with Peter because he was up here today - Robin and Paul were here too, but they had to fly home before then) there was 'Secret Smile' being played. I had no idea who it was by, and neither did anyone else. However, it's Semisonic, it seems. I'm now very glad I bought 'Feeling Strangely Fine'.

Nicola Brown, a on-off correspondent with the me about the diary, has her own little diary now it seems. That's quite neat; I'll wander over and read all of it when I get a chance .

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4 Oct 2000 (Wednesday) 

Yay! I've got the TV sorted properly now. And a network connection to Matthew's room. It's actually quite nice to have a machine that works and can play games again. And having a TV to watch telly with is useful too.

Chloe was on TV tonight; on a party politcal broadcast admittedly, but TV. And they decided to light her very badly. Aww... But apparently it was her. If not, then I'll feel very silly.

Wahey. To add to the list of Blatantly Silly Module Names, we have PCRE. This sits happily alongside Monitor now. This is why I no longer have anything to do with RISC OS development. Thank god.

Matthew Somerville has my admiration for working out what the SETI stream said. Impressed ? Very !

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3 Oct 2000 (Tuesday) 

Finally moved stuff in. Well, stuff arrived yesterday, but I'm still unpacking and sorting out where things should go. There's a lot of stuff here. The Computers, Telly, DVD and some miscellaneous bits have now been sorted out, but there's still quite a lot to organise.

Simon started at university today; he seemed to be a little bit out of sorts on the phone. I know he can't be as bad as I was when I started uni, though - I shut myself in my room for about two days and didn't go out. He should be better than that. I'm hoping.

I finally decided on a present for Helen's 18th. It's just a present as a friend. Nothing more. I really do hope that she likes it and doesn't think that it's just a gift being thrown at her. Um... you know what I mean.

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