Bacon Trifle. Make it without sponge, but with Bacon instead. It rocks. Apparently. Well, that's the first humorous thing I've heard at the start of the new year, and it's William Turner that's given me that. Gosh.

New Year's Resolution: "Be a Happy Bunny this year". That came to me whilst IRCing with Loretta tonight. I think that'll work. Maybe I won't mess it up quite as much as last year .

Ok, interesting track pairing of the night... Semi-Charmed Life, by Third Eye Blind and Two Princes, by Spin Doctors. Get copies of both and listen to them. Tell me they're not similar.

Watched most of Dr Strangelove today. Not overly impressed with it. In fact I thought it was pretty dull. Got quite a bit of snow today though, which is much more interesting. Greebo's being friendly at the moment, too... he likes sitting on my lap whilst I'm on the computer. He likes attention, though, so it can be hard to do stuff!

Woke this morning, but my hands were frozen; I tried to fix the fire, but you know the damned thing's too old. [ The Roof Is Leaking, from Face Value, by Phil Collins ]

Watched Hudson Hawk again today; a very funny film in its strangeness .

To tired to write up any diary entries at the moment. Had Peter and Julia over yesterday, which was really fun. All family today; watched North By Northwest. Had Beef Wellington, IIRC.

Sometimes you can be really immature, Justin. You run away from your problems, and pretend that they don't exist. That's cowardly. When something upsets you, you deserve to think what upsets you about it, and make amends, just not pretend you're not upset. Because it's NEVER going to go away if you pretend it's not there. It's going to gnaw away at you until it ruins your life. [ Comment about the diary; Anonymous spectator ]

I'm quite aware of what my problems are. I don't pretend that they don't exist. When something upsets me I get irate about it and shout about it. Loudly usually. It's got me a very bad reputation with a lot of people. I'm not really all that bothered, because if what I'm shouting about is something that I believe in, then that's a fair comment - a disagreement. If, in fact, this is a reference to Nicola, as I believe it is, then it's not my problem to run away from. Nicola came to me out, and I tried to be friendly. I got that thrown back in my face. I don't have anything invested in her or her life. Or rather, I wanted to be a friend and have someone to talk to but got that spat back at me. So, why should I bother ? I'm not pretending I'm not upset. I told her at the time what I thought of her diary entry, and put same in my diary - the diary not being a form of statement, but a record of state of mind. I was upset at that.

If the poster has anything further to say on the matter, I'm sure they'll clarify exactly what they were refering to and why. If it's Nicola, then I really just don't have the time to invest in that again. I've spent too long in the past trying to make sense of a woman who seemed, to my mind, to be self-contradictory and unaware of what they wanted. I don't want to do that again.

No, I'm not angry at the poster. I wish I knew what specifically I was 'running away from'. I have many problems, there's my general anger at everyone, my annoyance at never getting anywhere with Helen, my inability to make decisions - or to make bad ones when I do, my amazing shyness when around real people as well as a whole slew of other things, my short temper, and then the whole 'RISC OS' class of emotions. I recognise and understand my failings here. I don't think I run from these things.

No Cold Feet tonight. Seems it's on on Boxing Day. Which is a bit irritating as I've been looking forward to it all day .

Someone also commented on the diary as having a spelling mistake yesterday, which I corrected. I like people to point these things out; the Diary is mostly a stream of thoughts, so may not always be correct - I do try, but sometimes it goes off... I'm actually bothered that I made a mistake with they're/their which I usually am quite careful about. Thanks anyhow !

Anyone who has spoken to me recently will know how angry I've been at a lot of things. I don't quite know why. Well, I know a lot of reasons why, actually, but not all of them are publishable .

However, I'm trying. I really am. It's not easy. I'm not so forgiving as I once was. I'm sorry, but it's true. Don't really have time for idiots or people who are just out to annoy me. But there you go. Frustrated at my lack of any ability to find that special someone, partly because I don't try. Annoyed at my receding hair. And angry at the fact that I don't know what I want to do. Well, I do know what I want to do; it's just been made so hard.

But, I got to talk - albeit briefly - to Helen tonight. Quite nice to chat to her again. I was actually thinking (I'd just been watching LA Confidential on TV and for some reason it made me think this) that I ought to email her, wish her a Merry Christmas and see if we could at least start talking again. Maybe talking to friends will temper my anger a litle. Even after than, though, I still managed to be angry at most of the rest of IRC. So I still have a long way to go. I am trying, though.

And Keith was talking to Nicola tonight, which may have been part of my anger, I guess. Nicola doesn't seem to want to take the hint that I was quite amazingly offended by her attitude and didn't really want to talk to her. The 16th November entry is pretty clear. Maybe I'm just being bloody minded. To be honest, it's partly a vindictive 'look, the world doesn't revolve around you and you can't treat people as fools and expect them to take it' thing. And partly it's because I was annoyed at being treated like a fool.

I tried to show interest in what Helen was up to instead of (as is more usually the case) just complaining about my life. She doesn't talk about things much. I guess that's just 'cos I'm not part of her circle of friends that she talks to like that.

Watched the Buffy commentary episodes (Welcome To The Hellmouth and The Harvest) tonight, which was quite fun. Then watched 'Teachers Pet'. I'm feeling really lazy at the moment. I feel guilty for it. This isn't my house, so nothing feels right . I don't know where I belong, what I want to do, or who I want to be with. Well, for the latter, I'd like to think that I'd like to be with Helen, but we all know that that's just a silly fantasy.

I was going to do some useful stuff tonight, but ended up chatting to Julian for about three hours about the state of the world, computers, music, books, copyright and other strange and esoteric things. I was quite shocked to see how much he'd spent on CDs, but it seems I've spent the same on DVDs and CDs, so I shouldn't be so surprised.

It occurred to me that I should do a recap on my New Years Resolutions for last year. So, let's see, shall we...

• "A wish to more assertive;"
  Nope. Not at all more assertive. Except if you count quitting two jobs. Hmm.
• "A need to be less possessive;"
  Well, I decided to forget about Helen. And then didn't. Does that count ?
• "A desire to be in a relationship;"
  No change there, I still want to be in a relationship, but I've yet to find anyone I'm not terrified of that I want to be in a relationship with.
• "A hope for a greater kinship;"
  Um... Nope... Calling everyone names just because they're bloody useless doesn't exactly fall into this category.
• "A will for a better world;"
  Not really. I think I just got more angry at the world for not being the place I'd like it to be.
• "A dream of someone to call my wife."
  Yup, I still dream of that. And that's all.

So, let's see.... 2 out of 6. It seemed very poetic at the time. I think I need to aim a little lower. I'll think about it. How about 'Trying to be less angry' ? Or 'Trying to be more sociable', which sort of includes the first one ? 'Deciding where I fit' ? Dunno... I've got a few days to decide anyhow.

I've got loads of things that need releasing, now. But I'm not going to until I've got them checked into the CVS repository. And that may take a little while. I've 26 pending items, apparently, of which 12 are in CVS. Hmm. It might not take long, then. But I can't do that until I've got a CVS server to hand - which I can't do if I'm at home.

Bizarre email today...

It's not the new Millennium yet. I'm not picky. I guess I'm just not a liar. Or a blind lemming following what all the morons say. But dear me, I have just bothered your RELIGIOUS conviction that 2000 is a new something or other. Wouldn't want my scientific heresy to interfere with your blind faith would we? No I guess you'd love to stone me as a Heretic for TELLING THE TRUTH! Get a grip, get a life man! [ Comment about the diary; Anonymous ]

If anyone should be getting a life, it is this particular commentator. Or decide what the hell they're talking about. I don't quite understand, myself. If there's something in the diary that makes me out to be overly believing in that 2000 is a religiously momentous time then I've missed it or forgotten. If there's something that says that I have blind faith in any way, then I've damned well like to know, 'cos it's not true (as anyone who actually read the diary would know). And more to the point "Who. Gives. A. Damn. ?" Not me, really. Ok, so it's nice; I treat 2000 as a great year because it's not 19xx any more. If others want to treat it as anything else, then ok. But that's their problem, not mine.

What this person wants... who knows... I can only assume that they're so confused they have no idea what they're saying, or to whom...

Nothing much today; tidying things up. Got a few emails about the diary over the past few days, which is quite reassuring - I quite like it when I get them . I'm going home tomorrow, so things could be interesting then.

General frustrations with the world in general today, not helped by watching Cold Feet, Simpsons, Angel and chatting on IRC. Or, as is more common, yelling at people for being idiots. Sometimes I fail to yell and just leave. That's much better.

I'm really into the Tasmin Archer album and Tori Amos now... Strange that it's taken so long. Oh, and I ID3 tagged al the music up to the end of all artists beginning with D yesterday. Yes, I was bored.

Played FreeCiv tonight, using RiscX. Very cool. RiscX really needs to be about 50%-100% faster, but... hey, it works . Ok, so I'd already tried Abuse, so I knew that it must be doing pretty well, but anyhow...

Aching today after the bowling on Tuesday. Eek.

I had a really fun night tonight. We went out bowling - most of the people at work, Peter, Paul and Robin. I kinda hurt my wrist, and it's hurting to type now, but... It was enjoyable. Being out with people. Doing stuff that isn't work. I've been fed up with working stupid hours, and this was quite nice. I wish we'd done it before, 'cos it was nice to talk to people and just do something that's quite different. I nearly won the second game, too. I didn't quite realise, but Robert was only a little way away from me, and wished me well on the last bowl. I didn't actually at the time know why; I thought he was just thinking I was doing quite well. But I decided not to bowl as hard because I had really strained my wrist and I'd already beaten my lane (let's just stress the fact that I'm not usually good - I just seem to have runs where I can put it in about the middle of the lane), so I didn't really try so hard. That's probably just me and sour grapes, actually.

But it was fun . I miss fun.

Lots of work checking stuff in today. Basically, I'd like all the things I've ever written to be in CVS so that changes are followed in a sane manner. In the same way, bugs are also being tracked with Bugzilla now, so it's quite reasonable that I can follow how things are developed.

Todays additions were... well, quite a few, actually...

• AMSpectre
• MP3ID3
• MP3Info
• IRServer
• JFProxy
• JFinger
• TextScan
• Console

In theory, I can automatically generate 'summary' files of what's changed from the logs. This should be possible, but I'll probably do it from linux, rather than from RISC OS, 'cos it'll just be easier.

When I think of Helen now, I think of the fact that we're so different in terms of age - I block on that thought now. And that thought leads on to the fact that I'm old. My hair is thinning, I'm tired easier, and I'm irritated by (young) people who think they know better. So I think of being older. And that means that I'm fed up. Because I think back and I think of what I wanted to do with myself. And how I believed I could make a difference. And yet, I haven't. I don't like the idea of getting older. There's this thing right... you get older and you die. And when you're dead... you're dead. There's no replay, no go again. It's scary. It's like there's nothing after that and that's... not a nice thought... I don't believe in a God. Not really. I believe in the bible being a book. It has good things in it. Things you can and many people would be better if they lived their life by them. But it's not a belief in a God, or any kind of after life. What of the other religions ? I don't know; I'm not really that knowledgable about them. But it comes down to the fact that I don't really. I can't. It's not something that I can fit into my view of the world. I wish I could believe, but it's hard. Grandma believes in Heaven, and Grandad did. I assume that Helen does. Do Mum and Dad ? I don't know. I just don't think about it. I can't think about it. People that have died... just don't exist. It's wrong and unfair, but I don't think about them because it's hard.

What a really crappy weekend. Let's go through the bad things...

1. Tried tidying up my main harddisc (Zeus) by deleting lots of things that weren't needed. During one delete the machine stiffed. IDEFS problem again.
2. On rebooting, one copy of the map is corrupt. So I'm a little irritated. (most people would put this as 'amazingly pissed off', but the night gets better, so I've had to tone these early thoughts down a lot.
3. Ok, so I copy things I can read on to Athena which has lots of other stuff on it, but enough room. This is going to take multiples of hours as it's 9G and we know what that's like to copy on RISC OS.
4. Go out to Beetlenut for food. Food as normal is excellent, but cute waitress is too busy and isn't serving us anyhow. Lots of smoke too. Big downer. Mustn't go there in future .
5. Come back and it's still copying. Decide to watch TV. Try watching SuperGirl. Remember how awful it is and watch Andromeda instead. That's how bad TV is on a Saturday night - even Andromeda looks good after seeing any of Supergirl .
6. Return to the machine, which has now finished copying, and prepare to format Zeus so that I can copy things back. Format a disc. Realise I've just formatted Athena. Say 'oh bother' lots, quietly to myself (ok, maybe not). There's only a large chunk of unbacked up source on there so why should I be bothered...
7. Copy Zeus again on to the disc that was previously Athena, but is now quite amazingly blank. Say 'oh bother' some more.
8. Sit on IRC whilst spending a little bit on Amazon to cheer myself up. It's alright at the time, but later you think 'that's quite a bit of money'.
9. Go to bed because it's 3am and it's still not finished copying.
10. Wake up with a headache from the machine humming. Shut it down and get headache tablets.
11. Finish copying things over, set up the drives properly, it's now 4pm. I need to get dressed, and I now discover that Helen doesn't like Cold Feet.
12. I now realise that it's a new month and the diary pages have to be cycled... Gawd...

Oh well. On the plus side, got paid on Friday, so I'm feeling reasonably happy about that. Pity everything else is so shite.

Cold Feet tonight... It's so great . Except that it's nice until you realise that you're not Adam. And then life's cack again .

It turns out that a fleet of around 180 defenders can take out a mothership in Homeworld. Admittedly I did have to kamikaze the last 60 of them because I didn't think they'd make enough of a difference at the end, but I was left with 3 anyhow. Top Tip Of The Day: Homeworld can't cope with greater than 256 units performing an operation - so don't select that many units and tell them to move to a formation, dock or anything that they might try to do...